Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dead Mouse


The mouse is dead. For real. I know this because I almost stepped on its little dead mouse carcass in the middle of my kitchen. There was much cursing. Not scared so much as just startled. And then I made Dual come and give him a proper burial because I felt so bad about poisoning the disgusting little disease machine.

Moral of the story: If you come into my house and get your gross all over everything, I will poison your little mouse ass but I will be sorry because I am a lady.

Oh, my nose! Now I'll never be a teen model!

I broke the bloody hell out of my nose.

Like, literally bloody and broken. Technically I didn't break it. My damn dog did. Yep, that blessed Great Dane puppy is now a 60 pound Great Dane 5 month old. And she slammed her head right into my face. It was like getting hit with a board.

So, I just put my kids in bed and Dual was not home. He was about an hour away which was actually Ok with me because I had just about that much left of my book and it had quieted down in the house. I made the mistake of needing to pick something up off the floor. Just as I bent down, Isis decided to jump up to the bed. You can see where this is going...

If am traveling downward at X rate of speed and her enormous clunky skull is traveling upwards at approximately the speed of light, at what moment does my nose explode? Instantly. The answer is Instantly.

It was slow motion. I heard it before I felt it. The most sickening crunch sound. I did this mental inventory of all my parts. I wasn't sure I still had teeth so I checked with my tongue. Still had teeth. My glasses were in the floor and I quickly checked to see if they had broken in half because I like those frames dammit! Then I saw Marsha brady get hit with a football in this weird mental video. I checked Isis to see if she was Ok (her stupid self didn't even realized she'd hit me. she just went about her business). I realized I didn't have on a bra and probably would need one in a minute. Remember this is all happening in about 2 nanoseconds because then the blood came.

The blood ran and it ran and it ran. So my idiot self is just standing there cupping the blood that is pouring out of my cupped hands trying to figure out what to do next. My next thought was "oh god my nose fell off!". I tried to touch it and realized that it wasn't gone...it was just in the wrong place. So I was like a beautifully gory Picasso.

It still had only been 10 or 15 seconds and my next slow motion thought was "OH MY GOD they are going to have to push this thing back in place at the ER and it is going to hurt like a mother effer!!" I suppose I hadn't really registered the pain that was already happening.  I did have the good sense to grab a towel and soak up the blood still streaming from my crooked face. Then everything burst into one glorious screech of hurting from my face.

I somehow managed to call my husband and make some sort of words. He's all "you are screaming and crying and I can't understand you!" Whatever. Still he had an hour until he could get to me. I needed another towel since mine had started looking like a crime scene clean-up and I knew I needed ice.

Slow motion thought again. I need a towel for an ice pack. But I'm probably going to end up carrying the ice pack/towel into the ER. All I can find is a spiderman towel. I can't carry a spiderman towel ice pack into the ER! Because that would be silly. 

Fast forward an hour. I don't entirely know how I made it that whole hour with the shaking and almost puking and bleeding and general grossness of myself. But I did. We made it to the ER and finally they got me all drugged up.

But not enough. Apparently. But hold on I'll come back...

Side bar: When you go to the ER with a seriously bashed in face, they are required to presume the worst... So 3 people followed us to the room and casually tried to determine if my husband had smashed my face. That was fun. I suppose bribing your dog to crunch in your wife's nose would be the perfect crime.

Anyhow, it was bad broken. And the time came to push/pull/twist it back to a semi-normal shape. Dual had to hold my arms down. The Dr. was all "This will be quick. Just take a breath." Um, I don't have a nose right now, doc. Where is all this breathing going to come from? And then we played the worst game of "Got Your Nose" ever. This time the crunching sound was even louder. And I yelled Mother Fucker! at the top of my lungs. And then I told the Dr that I don't believe he personally is a mother fucker but what I meant was that it really hurt. He was not amused.

Fast forward again... It is going to take a surgical procedure thing to put all my bones back together in the right spot. In the meantime I am rocking a serious black eye and wicked cool cut on my nose. Monday morning I get the good sleepy time meds and then a super cool cast for a week.

I'll keep you posted. And there is going to be some serious internet dog shaming in my future.

Just cut that crap out when you realize what's happening.

I just made the most eye opening accidental discovery.

I legitimately clicked though a couple things and somehow accidently landed on my exes facebook at the part where it says "born". I discovered that in 2008 he created his profile after years of saying he didn't want anything to do with that because its a slippery slope. But here is the fun part... less than 3 years later we divorced. How is that relevant?

It only took one year to "reconnect" with an old friend from high school. It took approximately 2 years for them to begin having an affair. And less than one year after that...facebook, google chat, texting, and password protection enabled the destruction of a family. Are you comprehending this? Less than 3 years to undo a 15 year relationship.


I love all these things. Without social media I wouldn't keep in touch with friends or meet new friends. Without texting and chatting I wouldn't be able to stay in touch as easily with my family all over the country.

But it comes at a price.

I am married again and I love him. Which is exactly why I keep myself in check with this crap. Nobody accidently cheats and it never "just happens". I love him too much to hurt him like that. But more importantly, I love and respect myself. I love and respect my kids. I refuse to settle. When you find yourself falling into that trap, cut the shit and quit it. It's not worth it. It's easy, its fast, and hell it might even make you feel good for a while, but you are a damn grown-up. So just don't get sucked into it.

Just stay aware of yourself. You are the only one in charge of you. So, now you know.