Friday, July 12, 2013

The squirrel and the BB gun


So this is what happened…
We have 4 dogs at present. Small dog, medium dog, foster dog, and really big dog. Also known as incessant yapping, crotchety old man, pisses on everything, and big clumsy idiot.
Yapper had been barking for weeks at a squirrel on the utility lines above our yard. Hours. HOURS. Every day. Big Idiot decided that it was super fun to also bark at the squirrel because why the hell not? It’s not like he has anything else to do beside crash his big feet and huge tail into breakable things inside the house. So they barked. And they barked. And barked. ALL the time. FOR MONTHS. Old Man now barks at the two of them for barking. Pisses on Everything basically just used that time sneak away and seek out the cleanest clothes, the most difficult to reach corners, and insides of shoes to share his horribly acrid scent.
I decided to try and keep them inside. They can go out to pee and that’s it. The large window in the living room facing the backyard proved problematic. Yapper is only 17 pounds. She discovered almost instantly that she can use the coffee table as a gymnastic vault to launch herself onto the couch/window sill and bark the hell outta that squirrel. Big Idiot is about 100 pounds of still not quite in control puppy legs. SO, Big Idiot also decides to vault the couch which resulted in him slamming himself directly into the window. You would think that the one time would teach him. No. But you can’t say he is a dog to give up easily. All of this leaping and window crashing has further agitated Old Man. Back outside they went each day.
Meanwhile, the squirrel has now taken great interest in all the commotion going on each day in the yard. In fact, he became so interested that he moved right in to the eaves of the house. And every day he made sure to run back and forth as many times as possible to really get the fullest effect of the barking, howling, window slamming, scratching, digging, and unsuccessful attempts by the dogs to get on the roof. All of the attention apparently led him to believe he is a rock star and should continue doing these things as often as possible.

One day when we just couldn’t take one more minute of the barking and hysteria, Dual announces that he is going to get a gun and shoot the squirrel.
Dual: I am going to kill that damn squirrel. I’m going to shoot it.
Me: No. Just... no.
Dual: I’m going to kill it.

Me: A) no killing. You know I don’t even kill spiders. B) we don’t have a gun anymore. C) are you out of your damn mind?! Our fence backs up to a major street. We can’t have stray bullets just flying over our fence! Are you insane?! This is the middle of the city!
Dual: Well, I will just get a BB gun!
Me: So we are just going to be those people who have BBs flying over their fence into traffic. Sounds legit. Where the hell are you going to get a BB gun?

Later that day...
Dual: Jeff is loaning me his BB gun
Me: Oh god this is not going to end well.

So Dual and his borrowed (actual Red Rider “you’ll poke your eye out”) BB gun decided to wait until the squirrel and our dogs were all worked up into a spectacular frenzy. Squirrel has apparently reached the conclusion that he is not just a rock star but a god. So he just faces off with Dual and his BB gun. Then…shots fired! And Squirrel is missed! Shots fired again! Squirrel is hit square in the ass. This causes squirrel to do one of the greatest flying leaps of all time all the way across the yard and into the neighbor’s tree. It was like Superman meets Greg Louganis. The dogs LOVE this little trick and go ape shit. Not to be outdone, the squirrel makes a noise/sound/scream that can still be heard in the nightmares of children everywhere.

Dual: I got him!
Me: Aww. Did you kill him? Please don’t kill any other animals.
Dual: I hit him square in the ass! And he flew into the neighbor’s yard. I think he is gone.

Me: Wait…so after all that…you can’t even get the kill shot?!

A few days go by in relative quiet. I say relative because there are still 4 dogs and so many things to bark at. I suppose Dual did, in fact, eliminate our squirrel. So when I went to let the dogs in and Big Idiot was dragging a sock with him, I didn’t really think about it too much. I yelled at him to drop it and honestly I’m just glad he hadn’t eaten the damn thing because there are only so many times you can pump socks out of a dog’s stomach before it stops being fun. In my alpha dog voice…”Shiner! Drop it!”. What he hears is “Shiner! Run as fast as you can through the door and almost take me out at the knees!”
It all happened so fast. Big Idiot was through the door with his “sock” but 3 other dogs were oddly right on his heels and all were just freaking the eff out. I’m all ‘why are they fighting over a stupid dirty sock, we have other…OH GOD!’ Mother Fracking Squirrel has crossed through the doorway and into my safe place.

It looked peaceful, like sleeping. Only with a BB hole in its ass. So basically, Dual missed the kill shot, but injured the damn thing enough to slow it down and give the dogs a chance to actually catch it and kill it. And now it has become the most important prize in the history of all their short little dog lives.

Shiner went in for the first offensive play. He managed to get the dead-but-still-soft-and-warm squirrel past my defense by breaking through the line in between my legs. Immediately he was tackled by 3 smaller snarling blood-thirsty demon dogs and brought down. Shiner managed to keep his prize tucked underneath all 100 pounds and just almost squish its guts out. So now I am screaming at all the other dogs to go away and get back while I pry the enormous dog mountain off the carcass. Holding all four of them back, I’m trying to figure out how to kick it back out the door so I don’t have to just grab the still-wet-from-being-chewed-on-by-a-dog squirrel. This left an opening just big enough for Old Man to make his move. Sure, he won’t do any of the work, but he wants all of the prize. He pulls some kind of ninja move and deftly swoops away with the body. Further into my house. First down!
Old Man sets up camp on the new line of scrimmage snapping and dog cursing at me the whole time. I was able to use that moment to throw little Yapper into the laundry room. She was not OK with that. I grabbed a rake while I was in there because Hell no I don’t want to pick that thing up and its probably still close enough to the door that I can just nudge it out right? When I returned, the 3 remaining dogs are in a full on brawl over the top of this dead thing with a hole in its ass. I got my rake in there to give a push to the door right as Sir-Piss-A-Lot makes his move and rushes the damn thing the next 10 yards. I was able to sneak attack old man and kick him into the laundry room too. Shiner and Pisser and now full on dog fighting leaving me no choice but to jump right in…
I hooked the still dead squirrell by the tail a held it up like a demented piñata full of guts of BBs. Which incidentally is the crappiest piñata prize ever. And then I’m thinking ‘what if the skin slides off or the tail just breaks off crapcrapcrapcrapdammitdammitcrapcrapcrapIamgoingtoshovethatBBgunupmultipleasseslater. Keeping it high above my head, I managed to sling the thing back into the yard. Dog 3 and 4 joined Dog 1 and 2 in the laundry room. Then I called Dual at work

Me: I am going to kill you.
Dual: What did I do?

Me: I am going to kill you but I am better at the kill shot than you!!
Dual: What did I do?!

Me: There is a dead squirrel waiting for you at home. Deal with it. And you are not allowed to play with Jeff anymore!

The idea was for him to come home and throw the squirrel in the trash bin. In reality, he came home, picked up the squirrel by its stiffening tail and flung it over our fence into the main street full of busy traffic

So now we are those people who have random pellets shooting into the street AND miscellaneous rodent carcasses flying into windshields. Take that Home Owners Association! And also please don’t kick us out.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

SNYK 4.0: Directors Cut


So this feels weird. I haven’t done it in like 4 months. So…. I’m trying again.

I quit for a while, not on purpose, but because shit started getting real. I was headed to a dark place and I was dealing with my crazy for a while there. I was starting to get all emo and sullen when I posted. I was wallowing (or as Dual would say: wallerin’)  in the crappy, painful stuff and I was getting a little too heavy when I tried to write it down. But I’m ready to try it again.

So let’s start over. This is the gritty blog reboot. So Now You Know 2.0 (but really 4.0 because damn it if I still don’t have OCD).

I’ll start my “new” blogging experience by saying that I am not getting rid of any posts from the last few years. They are actually quite fascinating. When I read them it’s like I’m reading a story of someone else’s life. I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t used to be that person. But I’m also not scared to figure out who I am now.

I have OCD. I live with it. I work with it. I am pretty well managed after long years of hard work and being held captive by it. I have Bi-Polar. Like, the really crazy kind. I take pills everyday twice a day. And that pretty much makes me safe to be in public. Unless I’ve been drinking. That’s when I get super fun and everyone is my bestie! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I curse so fucking much. I try to keep it appropriate. I suck at that sometimes. Maybe it offends you or maybe not. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’m married to a country boy and I love him. His name is Dual and its right there on his driver’s license because I checked on the first day I met him. He keeps me laughing and listens to me talk and nods in all the right places when I tell endless stories. He shot a squirrel in the ass with a BB gun a few weeks ago. So that is FOR SURE a story that must be told. We like beer and mud and kickin it on the porch with either a beer or a coffee depending on the time of day. And I’ll just let you wonder which drink corresponds to which time of day… We have 4 kids between the 2 of us and 4 dogs (damn that OCD again!). We are navigating that parent/step-parent/working/cleaning/newly married/still dealing with our divorces/mental health/getting old together thing. It’s a lot of work. And kind of like an adventure. And adventure that sometimes ends up with me wresting 4 dogs for a dead squirrel that has BB gun holes in its ass.

If you are new here…well… just hang in there. For everyone else...holy crapballs do we have a lot to catch up on.