Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Updates with pictures!

Updates:

I never posted pictures of my pink hair because it was horrible. Lord of all things unholy and pink, it was horrible. The good news is that now it is fixed. And I am never allowed to attempt my own hair again.

I am still in the process of getting an unfortunate tattoo on my back covered up! yes, I am aware that you probably want pictures. I will try and get the before and afters as soon as I can. This is all I have so far. But it's way better than that first one! PSA: do not ever tattoo any one's name on your body. Especially when they are all "what's that? I'm still married? Meh, it's cool. I'm gonna go ahead and fall in love with someone else and lie to you about it. That's OK with you right? But have fun with my name on your back."
original, Session 1 to the right bottom, and session 2 on the top.
about 9 hours in. Session 3. You can't quite see it but the top lily goes all the way up my neck with some leaves and blends into the phrase I have written there. It is very much cool.


 
There are still about 3 hours left. Maybe. My tattoo artist works kind of organically. Just figuring out what works and adding things in. There is lots of drawing with pen to see what might work and then just jumping in with the design. I am in love with this piece so far! But I guess I have to be since it is enormous. The goal is still to take the design down my right arm and finish out a sleeve. That's gonna take a while. Mostly because tattoos are freaking expensive!

Bonus picture:
 
This is the front of that dress. Mostly because my hair looked good (and not pink, but purple like god intended), you can see the right arm tat pretty well that will creep into a full sleeve, and I got the dress for 20 bucks! What WHAT?!
 
I get to stand in front of people naked for money again! In the artist classy type of way. Because I am classy. And it's fun. And they PAY me to stand there naked. It's my favorite. Plus it really is an awesome quiet time to get my thoughts together, breathe, meditate, slow down, and become aware of my senses. That made me sound like a total hippie. Also, they PAY ME! But I will not be posting those pictures. you are welcome.
 
Musical season has come and gone again. I missed it last year because I was doing one of those jobby jobs in a office. I don't really fit in an office environment. Not so much my speed. Remember how I had the nervous breakdown and walked out and then ended up in the nuthouse again? Yeah. So probably not office jobs for me anymore. I'd rather be poor and doing what I love. So anyhow, I'm back at the piano and the musical has come and gone. I must say that I love working with these students. They work hard (mostly), this is an experience they won't have after high school (most of them), and also I love playing and helping them grow their voices. I sound like a nerd again. Sorry...um...beer. there. That hopefully un-nerded me a little. I'm also teaching again and the studio is growing. It takes so long to build up a good studio. And it's been a while since I have been mentally healthy enough to handle it again. Thank you medications!
 
I'm back to social sports! I was gone for a while (see above nervous breakdown). Also I started grad school and have a 4.0 right now like a boss. But, the time has come the walrus said to return to social activity. It's old friends and so many new ones. I needed the new ones as well as the less new ones. I needed people who didn't know me as that other guy's wife. I needed people who knew Angela. Who never even knew him at all and never saw the way my life revolved around someone else's happiness and how I derived my self-worth from another person. These friends of mine know me. Crazy and overly honest and loud and in charge of my own successes and failures. I'm in charge of my actions and my consequences and my own self worth. And as my friend the Commish' says "You broadcast crazy like its your job." So I guess that's a good thing? I
 
It's spring break, so I'll be around for a while.

I'm back. Crazy as ever.

Hey, remember that one time when I had OCD? Yeah. Well, I totally still have that. It seems like I didn’t for a while. I mean, I was maintaining so well. The meds, the CBT, the sheer will, all kept it in check. But lately…holy balls…lately it has showed back up and has been trying to kick my ass.

I say trying because I don’t want the disorder to own me. But it is sure trying to. And as OCD does, it waxes and wanes. And also as OCD is wont to do, it uses some of the old favorites all while adding in brand new ones.

So the locking thing…I pretty much have that one kicked for now. It feels so weird because I can easily go to bed without so much as a second check. Sometimes it hits me how easy it is and almost makes me overwhelmed with how much time was wasted in the past. It makes me realize that the simple act of going to bed is something that normal people cannot and will not ever understand. I can drive still. And driving still fills me with a powerful sense of accomplishment. To be fair, I’ve had to force myself into the driver’s seat a few times over the last couple months, but when I’m there, I am always amazed at the ability I fought to achieve. Yes, I fought for the ability to drive myself around without paralyzing and dangerous fear and uncontrollable panic attacks. I worked for it. Normal people just drive around like its no big thing. I am still absolutely amazed at it.

I’ve become a lot more sensitive to germs. I NEVER have been a germ person. Like, ever. In fact, I was the opposite. I was afraid that if we didn’t get enough germs, our bodies would have weakened immune systems and antibiotics would stop working. It’s not so much germs now, but things I breathe in. I feel like sometimes I can SEE what I’m breathing and I don’t like it. It’s difficult to keep breathing. But also I must breathe and my body is all “Yeah, let’s go ahead and keep doing that” so I haven’t actually held my breath until I’ve passed out or anything. But I do have to remove myself from certain air and wash it off. Thanks for that OCD.

I found myself a couple weeks ago organizing things by color and size. I’ve also never been one of those super clean people so that was also quite irritating and disruptive. The worst part is people who think I’m just a weirdo and then they mess it up thinking it’s funny. Yay! Very funny! And now I’m having a panic attack dammit.

I think the worst part of this resurgence has been the intrusive thoughts. God, the intrusive thoughts. Shut up brain! Just cut the crap OK. I’ve got other things to do, like line things up and drive places! I’m telling myself it isn’t real. It isn’t me. It’s not true. But I hate it. It’s almost worse when they have been gone so long and then they just show back up. I was used to having a little bit of control over the mental images and inner monologue in my head. So when it happens I just try and think of other things. Like beer. And tattoos. That seems to work for now.

And that’s how it is with me lately. So now you know.  

Monday, March 4, 2013

My corner of the internet

Things have been happening in my life lately. Things I can explain later. Things I will explain later.

In the meantime, my little corner of the Internet has been somewhat left on the back burner. A little bit neglected. A little bit avoided. It's weird how things have become somewhat unusual and difficult for me over the last few weeks and I have reacted in a completely opposite way than I have in the past. I have avoided talking and avoiding sharing and pulled my heart back inside and not worn it on my sleeve. That's so unlike me.

During that time though two interesting things have happened. While I have been teetering on the edge of feeling invincible and feeling defeated (and sometimes feeling lazy and sometimes a little silly), my little corner of the Internet found some people. And then those people found me.

It started with an email from a person that I know/knew. The circumstances of how this person stumbled upon my Internet safe haven and are quite extraordinary. At least extraordinary to me in my world. This person sifted through some of the dusty corners and found commonality and was kind/brave enough to share that with me. This caused me to remember why I am a chronically honest over sharer in the first place...because it's good to feel like we aren't alone.

Then again...my silly little words and musings and tendency to over share every detail of everything I do found their way to someone else. Again, this person is kind enough to tell me that they found my words. And surprised me with the notion that my words actually exist outside my own head. And reminded me that raw, brutal honesty is not always a bad thing. And I was reminded that a made a promise to myself to always be that way...100 percent transparent and open. Even when that openness often leads to me talking about my vagina. Or my one boob that points left no matter how nicely I try to coax it back to it's original upright position. Or how I recently tried this cleanse that I am pretty sure cleansed out a few inches of my intestines. I pinched it off so I could save what remained. Crisis averted.

This all caused me to think (and dangerous things happen when I actually think) that I need to use some of the energy I have been using to walk precariously along of the edge of the emotional fence may be better served if I return to my little corner of the Internet. I make no promise of anything profound. I make no promises of anything of value. All I can do is stay accountable to myself and to the people who have reminded me that I need to stay honest. Hiding things away in my own mind has never been effective for me. So what I can promise is that I will continue to stay brutally honest and possibly wildly inappropriate with the amount of information divulged. Sometimes it just comes out like typing vomit. Sometimes it's just idiocy. Sometimes it's just where I heal. Sometimes it's where I figure things out. And sometimes you guys accidentally wander in here and look around for a minute. And if you aren't completely horrified and scarred for life...then I'd love to have you stay for a while.

Science!


It seems as though I am slacking. Again. Because that is what I do. So I am going to mush together some things that I found interesting and entertaining over the last few weeks.

First of all, I had bronchitis and a sinus infection AGAIN. This is because my body apparently hates me and is systematically trying to destroy or expel all organs and functions. I’ve already lost a uterus, some glands, and some nerve endings. And my face and hearing have pretty much stopped working. I have a rheumatologist and a neurologist now because of the awesomeness happening in my body. Anyhow…the sickness. I was/am taking meds, but I’m not sure if this event can be entirely blamed on meds. I went to sit on my bed as I have done numerous times in the past and have become quite proficient at doing so. Only this time the attempt to sit on the bed was a massive fail. I slipped off backwards doing a very impressive roll where my knees and forehead briefly met. I landed on the recliner, bed side table, and small bed tray that were all menacingly waiting for my fall. I managed to take out a lamp, bruise both knees and my back and gain a few new scratch marks. My skin does this really cool thing where even little scratches make scars, so I’ll be able to tell the story of my heroic ninja escape from my bed for years to come. Perhaps this is why I am not a dancer.

A few days after that, genetics reared its ugly head. One of my dear children who shall remain un-named (although her name is a betrayal of her actual ability to stay on her feet), was casually sitting on the piano bench. While sitting peacefully on said bench, a combination of the universe, magic, and gravity threw her from the bench. She fell straight forward and landed on her forehead. Sitting to injured in .5 seconds. It’s a gift, really.

In other news of my kids, but not in an injured state, we had a delightful conversation around Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Lily was explaining to me who Dr. King was and in explicit detail how he was murdered on a balcony, because thank you public school for focusing on the important parts. Anyhow, she did understand that he fought for equality. We had a chat about racial equality and how Dr. King’s work is still effective in fighting for equal rights in today’s society regarding marriage equality and equal protection for women.

So, back to the racial equality. She wanted to know why he had to fight for different colors of people to go to school together. I explained as well as I could the thought processes of the time period and how we know now that we are all the same on the inside. So, here is my favorite part…

“I’m so glad that Dr. King did that because (name protected) at my school is kind of brown. Sometimes I get kind of brown but not as much as them. And some other kids are different colors of brown too. And I think they would be sad if they didn’t get to go to school with me.”

Thank you Dr. King for allowing brown children the privilege of being in the presence of Lily.

And finally…Lily after cheering at half time of her sister’s basketball game, while all other girls were “wooing” and doing spirit fingers…Lily throws her poms down like a bad ass and just goes “Peace Out.” And then she peaced out. Ah, genetics!