Thursday, January 10, 2013

Shut up I know it looks pink. At least I'm not bald.

I have pink hair. Like PINK hair.

OK, let me back that up. It was NOT supposed to turn out pink. And Dual keeps being all “quit telling people that it isn’t supposed to be pink and that way they think you did it on purpose.” And I’m all “why the hell would I do this on purpose?!”

Since I am super poor now, I decided I need to start doing my own color. Usually I just go straight black. I’m a straight black kinda girl. Simple, dark and easy. That’s why most of the walls in my bathroom and some in my bedroom are black. And a lot of my clothes. And jewelry. And shoes. I might need to add some color. Anyhow, I decided that I wanted to be super cool like I did when I had an actual stylist and put a few purple streaks in there. This is where things took a turn for the worse.

I started with a couple small streaks. I bleached. I tin foiled. Dual tin foiled. We looked like we had murdered Barney. We washed. And restreaked. And re-bleached. And we came out with stained hands and purplish streaks. A little. But not great. And then of course the color faded really quickly and turned ugly orange.

Brilliant idea. I’m going to re-bleach and re-dye all of it at the same time. Bleach, purple, black…all of it. Keep in mind that I still have no idea what I am doing and this time I have been indoors for almost 2 weeks on Holiday break and I have bronchitis and I maybe was manic. I still have no idea how to do the foil so mostly it consisted of just mashing it up into a ball and hoping it stayed.
I started by pulling all my hair back except the streaks to bleach. Already having several mis-colored streakish pieces, I was not terribly discerning about the streak placement. I figured all the leftover will turn black anyway, right? So I bleached out those pieces. I nearly choked to death with the smell and managed to actually burn my skin right on top of one of my tats. That was neat. Then, because I didn’t want to take out all the pulled back hair, I tried to just put my head under the sink to rinse out the bleachy parts. A) Our sick sucks and won’t drain B) my head doesn’t fit under the sink. But I was undeterred. My orange/yellow/pinkish (from previous color attempts) strands were floating in bleachy water. But probably good enough, right?

So now…the purple. I abandoned the gloves after about one streak because it was just getting all over the place anyway and I didn’t have to be in public for like another day so I had time to let my stained hands fade out. I got purple EVERYWHERE. Like places I didn’t know existed. Like, future generations will be all “what the hell is this purple stuff on the ceiling? And behind the light switch plate?” But once all the purple was in and the multiple layers of foil were smashed all up against my head…it was still falling out. So I pinned as much as I could.
Now with hypothetical purple happening under the tin foil balls and me looking like I was preparing to keep alien mind control devices away from my brain, I attempted to do the all over black. This is where science and the universe teamed up to play the world’s dirtiest trick on me. Apparently, not all the bleach was out (I think) and I mushed up the purple all into my roots (I think) and I spread the black all in too aggressively (I think) and the whole thing worked up like a Mr. Wizard experiment on my head.

Ignoring the mild burning sensations, I allowed the concoction to sit for the requisite 25 minutes. Then I jumped in the shower where I promptly stained everything in sight with some new ungodly color of putrid. Ever the optimist, I rinsed and rinsed and tried not to pull out chunks of my burned scalp. After the shower, I tentatively looked in the mirror thinking “OK, not bad…a little bright…I’ll blow dry and that will make it all evened out…
NO. No No NO No No NO NO.

This is not what happened. The blow drying seemed to upset the hair. Finally dry, I was forced to accept that I had turned my hair orange over every section of the roots. The rest was a horrible mixture of blackish, brownish, orangy, purplish, streaky mess over a HOT. PINK. SCALP. Yes. I tried to blame my bathroom lights. But, no. It turns out that red and blue make purple, but purple and black make HOT EFFING PINK.
This is now about 4 hours into the process. And I called Dual half laughing/half crying and coughing and croaking from the laryngitis and bleach fumes and was all

Me: OK, don’t laugh at me.
Dual: What did you do? Are you OK? Did you hurt yourself?
Me: Not exactly. Just don’t laugh OK.

Dual: What did you do?!
Me: I need you to go to the store.

Dual: Do you need medicine?!
Me: No…I need hair dye…I really effed up my head…

Dual: What did you DO?!

And then he went to the store and brought me my hair color and I made him promise not to laugh. He didn’t exactly laugh but there was a lot of “um…it’s not that bad…it’s pink…I mean…yes, it’s really pink.”
So…round two…I tried to keep out the very few pieces that had actually turned purple. Then I waded the whole mess up again and re-did all the black again. Then I sat again for 25 minutes. And again ignored the even more irritating burning sensation. And then again I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed. And blow dried. And good news, the orange bits had disappeared. But my whole head was still pink. And the purple bits had somehow become pinker. And some other parts simply just spontaneously caught pink like a self replicating virus of fracking pink.

So now I have pink hair. A lot of it. Some of it is black. And more is pink. But I dare not redo for risk of tempting the hair gods even further and actually losing chunks of it. Dual keeps saying “don’t tell people you screwed it up.”
OK. So I am officially declaring that I did this to myself. On purpose. Shut up.