Most of the time I feel like I get up when I get knocked down. I take the hits and I get up and try to be the bigger person. I try to learn from the really crappy parts like sharing my kids with people I never wanted to share them with. I succeed and grow and take pride in that. I try to see positives and create opportunities and live life and accept the circumstances. I genuinely feel happy and I can see good in things and people (even those people) and fully enjoy life and living. I mostly think of myself as really strong. As someone who has been to hell and back and has survived and is still able to be optimistic and have something to offer.
And sometimes I just say “Fuck it” and I get angry and sad and cry about it.
One of these nights when I was in one of these moods, I was venting to my husband. Let me explain the ridiculous amounts of patience he has to be able to listen to me break down about my old life as frequently as he does. I know it isn’t fun for him to hear about my sadness and my hurt and my anger over the past events, but he listens and often he says some amazingly poignant things. The man is a saint. You know, if I believed in saints.
So my analogy was that I was so frustrated and so angry that I spent all my life as the square peg trying to fit into the round hole of my ex life. And I was hurt at how easily someone else seemed to fit into that round hole. I told him that I know I shouldn’t have been trying to fit into that round hole anyway but it still sucks so hard core. I told him that I know I have always been too stubborn to be anybody’s round peg and I know I’m better off and stronger for it. Other people can be round pegs. Not me. I told him that I didn’t even want any part of fitting into it but it feels like failing because I couldn’t.
I told him that I don’t know how long it takes to recover from the emotional injury. How often am I allowed to fall apart? I don’t always do it, but how many times is too many? How do I pick myself up when I’m not even a square peg anymore? I feel like my square peg was smashed with a sledgehammer and now I’m not fit to belong anywhere.
“Now I’m just a fucked up, splintered, jankity ass peg.”
“Well, the good news is that I was looking for exactly your size and shape of fucked up, splintered, jankity ass peg. Your fucked up, splintered, jankity ass peg will fit right here without you having to be anything that you aren’t. or anything you don’t want to be.”
And after that, I was able to get my shit together and be strong. Just like that. Be your own fucked up, splintered, jankity ass peg. You will fit in just fine.