Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sometimes you go to school with poop in your hair. It happens.

Yesterday was our first day back to school! 2nd grade, 4th grade, and me back behind the piano and hanging around high school kids all day trying to remember not to curse or say inappropriate things. Yay! Excitement!

I quite literally couldn’t sleep the night before. That happens sometimes with us crazies. I was just awake. So finally at around 5 I decided to get up and go for my run….

            ****RECORD SCRATCH****  [Yes this is something I do now. I started with walking and then gradually got faster. I also can kick some ass with my muscles. So that’s happening now.]

…I had forgotten the difficulty of getting ready in the dark since Dual was still asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up. I stumbled around for like 15 minutes before I finally collected everything I needed. And I set off on my regular neighborhood route. Because I started doing this running thing at the beginning of the summer when I wasn’t working, I usually went out after the sun came up but before it was freaky balls ass hot. So, when running in the dark I was able to get repeatedly startled by all of my neighbors who have automatic sensor outside lights. And I almost bit it about 6 times over the half way corroded speed bumps in our neighborhood. But all in all…good workout.

When I came in I noted that the dogs (Isis has already outgrown the crate and stays in the official dog room now) were being awfully quiet and in my mind I thought “well, Isis must be doing really well because she didn’t cry to go out last night. Good for her! I’ll let them sleep a little longer.” That was stupid.

After my shower, still in my towel, I decided to go ahead and let the dogs out really quickly. I could smell it before I could even see it. Shit. Everywhere. Big fat liquidy piles. One of the piles was actually in front of the door so when I swung it open I made a beautiful poop rainbow across the floor. And the river of pee was all around the piles. It was like an excrement moat protecting all the dogs in their cuddly blanket fort on the opposite side of the dog room. I had to step over the poop river and actually pick up the damn dogs and force them to wake up and go outside.

Still in just a towel and wet hair, I somehow decided I better clean it right then. So with my one free hand I’m scooping up poop by the massive fistful (with T.P. of course) and trying not to drop my towel in it with the other hand. The first huge handful of poop actually clogged up the toilet when I tried to flush it. So I ignored that and put the next 4 handfuls in the other toilet. Dual discovered the clogged toilet a couple hours later when he woke up. He was super happy about it. After the scooping, I did the soaking up with shop towels from Dual’s work. These towels are meant to clean up auto mechanic type greasy heavy-duty messes. And this dog piss was just dissolving them. I made several trips to the outside bin with the soaked rags while I was still holding onto my towel with one hand and my wet hair dangling everywhere because apparently the running and the not sleeping had made me too stupid to realize I should probably just get dressed really quick.  

Much floor scrubbing and Lysol later, I was pretty sure it was at least clean enough to be OK until after school and could be properly mopped. Finally I was able to wash my hands multiple times, and get into actual clothes and not keep holding up my towel with one hand.

The rest of the morning was fine. Everyone dressed. Everyone feed. Lunches made. Excited kids. Pictures in the front yard. Yadda yadda. Dropped them off and got them all settled and got in the car to head to my school.

I kept smelling the shit storm. I figured it was residual trauma and it was just burned into my nose. Once at school, I still kept thinking I smelled it. I started smelling my hands and my hair. I thought I smelled it but never could be sure. Finally I just decided it must have just been that bad and I can’t get rid of the idea of the stink.  I went through my whole day. I picked up the kids after school. We went home. We had a snack. We played outside.

Then Dual came home. He knew all about the horror of the poop event because I kinda had to tell him after he stumbled into the clogged toilet. Anyhow, he came home and gave me a hug. Yay! Husband hugs! But immediately he pulls back away from me…

“Ew! What is that!? Did you get some of that shit in your hair?”

So, yes. Apparently I was smelling it all day. Apparently I somehow transferred poop to wet hair. And it dried. And it stayed there all day. I spent my first day at school with dog poop in my hair.  


  1. Thanks for sharing!! I think what you just described would have to be something like the ultra-advanced super-expert ninja level of exposures for anyone who suffers from contamination OCD. Kudos to you. I'm highly impressed.