Saturday, September 22, 2012

falling up

It sneaks up on you, you know? But also, I saw it coming for weeks. It's sneaky because I felt sure that I could hold it back this time. I felt positive that I could control the oncoming freight train on a collision course with my sanity. I was ready with the breaks and even the emergency breaks and every fail safe in between...but I blinked or I turned away or dropped my guard for a moment and the force of it broke me.

I had a breakdown.

You know, one of those time-to-go-to-the-happy-place-where-they-have-pudding-and-coloring-and-group-and-meds-but-not-scissors-or-drawstrings-or-shoelaces-because-this-is-where-the-crazy-people-stay.

So...yay! I spent 11 days in psych. Yes, the same psych ward as last time. And yes, there were still sandwiches. I decided to only eat them one at a time this go round. And also I decided to pay attention when told how quickly my sleeping meds would kick in. I did all of those inpatient psych ward things. I'm "Bi-Polar I with OCD and suicidal ideation". I think in my Indian name that would be Woman Who Harm Self But In Orderly Fashion. My Superhero name would be Captain Sees-things-that-may-or-may-not-be-real McCrazyPants.

It was the same. It was different. It was moments and people and learning. It was connecting with new people and having someone understand what it feels like inside my head and finding fear and anger with that person and those people and still getting out of bed in the morning in spite of it. Getting up because of it. Moving forward because there is no backward. It was connecting to my diseases and finding truth in jumbles of experience and uncontrollable brain chemistry.

I don't know what I feel now that I'm on the outside. There is so much support from my husband and my friends and the one friend in particular who knew that the best way to break into my damaged exterior and find the real person was by telling me I suck at life. Yes. I like to remember that I suck at life. And that makes sense to me. It seems backwards and opposite and it seems like that should probably be an insult, but I am backwards and opposite and upside down and inside out and don't feel anything or process anything or say anything like I'm "supposed" to. I pretty much give a big fuck you to doing things in any sort of normal people way. And that is why I will remind myself that I suck at life and I will smile.

This breakdown was a long fall to the bottom. It happens. The fall was longer than I expected and I hit the bottom much harder but that's because I was higher than I had ever been before. And I will climb right back up there again. Hell, I'll claw my way back up there if I must. And I'm going to keep doing things my way. But instead of falling down...I'm falling up.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Random stuff that I mushed all together

It's been a while.

I've had ups and I've had downs and I've had way low downs. And way high ups. My shrink says that's the bi-polar talking. I like to think that my emotions are just springy. Like a slinky. It's whimsical and not so pathetic.

So I'll put a whole lot of posts together that I intended to do all separately but instead I was sleeping. Or in the ER. Or one time I was drunk. It was a birthday party donotjudgeme.

This morning I scared Dual. In the funny way, not in the ER way. I think I scared the actual piss out of him. Literally. He was in the shower which is about half frosted glass and shiny gold trim because yay built in the late 70's! Our other shower currently has no knobs and a big hole in it because yay built in the late 70's! But this proved advantageous for me this particular morning because I needed the half frosted glass and had he not been in the shower he would have either A) peed on the floor or B) punched me in the face or secret option C) both of those things.

As he was washing his hair with eyes closed like an Adonis in a shampoo commercial (in my opinion) I quietly stood nose touching the glass. This made me look like a floating head as the frosted glass part began right about my neck. I had to wait a while, but when he finally opened his eyes he stared right at me and screamed. This was awesome because A) I have amazing bathroom ninja skills B) it was hilarious and C) is that his line of defense if I was a raper or robber of some kind? Just scream in their face? I like it. It's an unexpected move. but now I think I may have started a war at the Doran house. I've had babies. I can't hold in my pee so well. I'll keep you posted.

In other scare Dual news: I've spent some days in the ER. They gave me drugs and sent me home with the standard "we don't know what is wrong with you". I've come to expect this diagnosis throughout my life. Like when I had a dangerous tumor and I was told to "put some ice on it" or when my uterus swelled all up and there wasn't even a baby in there and they were all "it's just hormonal". Holy balls. Anywhateves...I ended up in the ER with crazy bad pains in my stomach region. In the lower intestinal region. And to their credit they did do all kinds of fun tests and put potentially cancer causing dye all through my veins, as if my body needs more help growing scary tumors. The best they could come up with is "full of shit". As in colon is totally full of shit that needs to come out. SOOOOO.... they sent me home with the magic water. I call it the magic water because it magically shoots through your bowels causing you to become one of those games at a carnival where you shot the water gun into the clown's mouth to try and pop your balloon first. Only in this case my butthole is the water gun and the clowns mouth is where ever I happen to be at the moment and the balloon is my intestines.

But fun fact: when you are "full of shit" the magic water just fills up inside you and doesn't freaking go anywhere. So then they had me waddling around full of fluid like that blueberry girl on Willy Wonka. The end of the story is that finally I de-fluided and still have awesome pain in my guts.

If you are still with me...I think that some of this is stress related. In a more serious tone...I have had some serious business going on around me. Not great stuff. Life stuff. Surprising stuff, but have to pick up and keep going stuff.

We talked, she and I. The other woman. her. That person who has become inextricably linked to me forever no matter what. Yes, because currently she is one of the primary females in my childrens' lives but also because of the course my life took because of her. We talked. It was good. It made me feel better. We saw each other in person for the first time since that time. And I saw her interact with my kids. And I felt good about her. But also I felt a pain unlike any pain I've ever felt in my life. Walking away from my kids that afternoon because it wasn't my weekend filled me with a strange sense of loss that felt like it was going to crush me. She got to go home with my babies. She got to spend the birthday day with my baby. It is a feeling of loss that I can't describe. She is good to my kids. But I can't get the time back. I was around the entire former family of mine. They aren't my family anymore. They are hers. It isn't my life anymore. It's hers. And part of me wanted to scream and scream out of frustration for the lack of justice of what was done to me and my family. But not at her. I told her thank you for helping indirectly lead to my husband. I wish I could be more civil to the rest of them, but I'm not there yet. But talking to her helped me. She doesn't know how much it did. I never expected that much healing to come from her. But it did.

And I don't know what's next. But I'll keep going.