Sunday, July 29, 2012

I didn't even curse not one time.

I did it! A successful IOCDF Conference including my presentation which I think went quite well. I did get a text from my dad about 10 minutes before hand reminding me not to say the F-word. So I told my stories and I think people laughed. Which is good, because what's the use in throwing yourself down a flight of stairs if you can't make people laugh about it later.

I'm ready to go home with a brain full of ideas and a heart full of desire to make a difference and a body full of my meds. Because seriously, just because I'm all normal and grown-up now doesn't mean I can stop with the crazy pills. Ain't nobody got time for me being un-medicated. Also I have a bladder full of coffee and a suitcase full of dirty clothes. Today I spent 15 minutes trying to find a shoe I lost in my hotel room because I am that good at organization.

So, I can't wait to get back to my husband (I still love saying that!), my dogs, and my kids. Also I need Taco Bell and a Trois Pistoles. Yes, I drink fancy beer with my fast food. Don't judge me! Here's hoping that this trip home doesn't end up like last year's trip home from the conference!

Friday, July 27, 2012

IOCDF Convention Day 1 (or 2?)

I made it! I'm in Chicago at the IOCDF annual convention! This is Day 1. Or maybe Day 2 because I'm not sure if yesterday counts? I was here yesterday and did IOCDF related activities so I think this is my Day 2. Anywhatever...I made it!

I still find it amazing that I can get on an airplane. Every time I do it I feel like announcing to the whole plane how freaking fantastic it is that I am there. I just wanna be all "Do you SEE me here?! And I don't even have a safe person or anything! I just got my own self a freaking TAXI!"

This being my second convention year, I am feeling more and more comfortable. There are people that I remember and new people to meet. This morning I listened to some fabulous speakers and all kinds of re-wrote my presentation in my head every time they said something inspiring. I will admit that I did spend the entire afternoon dead asleep in my room because all this interacting is exhausting! Tonight there will be support groups and virtual camping. I have no idea what that is, but I am very excited to help out. Plus, now that I love rolling around in mud I figure this could totally be my thing.

I'm already full of inspiration and ideas and excitement for raising awareness when I get home. If you are here, come find me and say hi! I'm the ridiculously tall one. later!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Chicago?! IOCDF Convention?! Yes!

I should totally be packing.

I am going to Chicago for the IOCDF Convention first thing in the morning!! I'm speaking on the last day of the convention. Which is why it seems like I should be crazy busy packing and working on my presentation and doing generally busy things.

But I am not. I am watching a scary movie. I thrive under the pressure of the last minute preparations. or so I like to say. Really I just procrastinate my face off.

But as I sit and think it through...I'm not really scared to go. The plane, the alone time, the new places and people...It's sometimes enough to actually startle me. Like, I'll be just sitting here thinking about what book to take with me on the plane and then I'm all "Holy hell! I'm going on a plane tomorrow to a strange city and I'm not really that nervous about it!" I'm a little bit nervous but that might just be excitement. Or all that spaghetti and beer that I had.

So I'm not packing but sitting here with Husband. Yes, my husband. It feels weird to say, but it also feels incredibly familiar. Like its hard to remember the time when he wasn't my husband. Like that other husband that I had a long time ago was important, but this one just fits right. That other one that I had taught me a lot about life and about myself and gave me kids. But now...this one...I am home.

Tonight instead of packing I made dinner. He mowed the yard. We are watching a movie. The dogs are snoring. The laundry is in progress and the bills are on the table. It's home. We are home. And it's enough to startle me sometimes when I think about it. I'm all like "Holy hell! I never saw this coming 18 months ago or two years ago or even 6 months ago! But it fits. And I'm not really nervous about it." Maybe a little nervous...I mean getting back on the horse and all that (no I am not calling my husband a horse you pervs). The first time broke me down. So maybe I'm a little nervous. but mostly just excited. I'm taking all those smashed up pieces and rebuilding them into someone different. Someone new. But somehow I'm someone oddly familiar and at home. Like I was there all along.

In the morning I will be running around like a crazy person (get it? see what I did there?). I will be cursing myself for procrastinating. So I would like to remind myself right now how I am sitting and watching a movie while the dogs snore with Dual next to me. It's all worth it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Getting back on track.

I've been right in the middle of two blogging projects.

The first is 30 days of blogging about my mental health. It was supposed to be 30 days in a row and supposed to have been during the month of April. But since I am awesome at deadlines, I'm up to about Day 6.

The second is 100 things I appreciate. To be fair, I gave myself the whole year to finish it. However, it is July and I'm on number 30. So I need to pick up the pace. So, I am going to catch up a little bit today.

Also, I have so much to share with you! I started this blog years ago with the need to share my diagnosis. I was scared and didn't know anyone else with this disorder of OCD. Not in real life anyway. All I knew of OCD was anecdotal and televised, glossed over, generic portrayals of quirky and humorous clean freaks. So I blogged. And I changed. Now I've been through OCD, depression, hysterectomy, cleanse diets, the mental hospital, divorced, wounded, seen my faith evolve and change, left the church I knew, left the home I knew, rebuilt, re-married and now...I have some new things to share. Good things. Bad things. Things that are still in testing. Things that have happened and things that may happen.

But first, I need to get back on the track. The train is all kinds of all over the place and I want to get caught up. That being said here is day 7 and Day 8

Day 7 is "Choice Day". I guess that means I am supposed to just write about whatever I want to. So I would like to shamelessly plug the IOCDF Convention in Chicago in only 3 days! Technically I leave in 2 days. And technically I need to revisit my outline for my presentation. i get 90 minutes this year in case you didn't hear that. Sunday morning at 9 am. Come see me! But I do need to revise my outline to include a few minor details like going back into full time music and getting married. I don't ever write out word for word what I will be saying. But I for sure need to check the outline so that I don't end up accidentally cursing or talking about my vagina. I am a professional!

Day 8 is to tell about a fun conversation you have had this week. (Or possibly back in April?) I don't know that I have a distinct conversation, but I did tell Lily not to touch her drink with her butt while out in public. And Dual almost made me pee myself when he goes "Hey, guess what." and I made the mistake of saying "what?" and he yelled at me "WE ARE FUCKING MARRIED!!" yeah, that startled me. But I appreciate the enthusiasm. And then I actually did pee a little a kickball because I was running super fast (sorta fast) and I got tagged from behind and it startled me. I've had two kids. Sometimes I pee a little. Don't judge me.

Stay tuned!

Monday, July 23, 2012

Holy crap! I'm Married!

Yes. I have been a little absent. I was just busy doing normal stuff like having a birthday and preparing for my speech at the IOCDF convention in Chicago this week...oh right...and also GETTING MARRIED!

Right?! Totally didn't see that ever happening again. The idea was physically repellent to me for a while even. It was scary. And vulnerable. And I never wanted to allow myself to be in a position to be hurt that badly ever again. But, then there is Dual. Always Dual. And dammit, I married him!

Details to come later. For now, just know that all is well. Really really well. It was the best night of my life so far in my 32 years. Because I am 32 years old now dammit on account of that birthday I had. I feel good. I feel right. I feel connected. I still feel like a raging crazy lady most days. But I'm OK. We are OK. We are good. We are connected. We are MARRIED!

Hopefully I will see you at convention!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Are you there Angela? It's me, God. Possibly.

It's funny how life kicks you in the balls sometimes.

God or the universe or Oprah or karma or spirit has been all up in my ass lately. As in, "the fuck universe?! Quit! I'm ignoring you." And I've been desperately trying to hide or ignore or pretend it away because its really obnoxious and also who tells God the "f" word? Me. That's who. And tell Him I have. Lots of times. To the point where I have started to wonder if He was even there to hear me. And in the name of honesty...I have come to a point where I don't know if he is there or not. I don't know if god is around or ever was around or will be coming back anytime soon. Maybe he has just grown bored of me and/or my vagina and just isn't interested anymore. I just don't know. So Now You Know.

I started to reach these conclusions that were unthinkable and unforgivable and scary and awesome and horrible all at the same time. And I was pretty sure that I had finally figured it out. Then I met Aaron. Damn him. That was God or the universe or Oprah or karma or the Buddha or my own energy flipping me the bird right back in my face. Because Aaron is a challenge. He makes me think. And he asks questions that I don't want to answer and won't accept my answers the first time I tell them. Aaron believes God. And loves Him and talks to Him regularly, whereas all I can muster up in the faith arena lately is...Meh, probably I'm just wasting my time in this god business and I'm OK with it. But then Aaron falls right into my direct line of reasoning and rational and just plain common sense and is all "Hey! I'm Aaron! I like things that are awesome and adventures and church and I'm crazy in the brain like you! Let's be friends! OK!!" And sometimes he gets all distracted and veers off into conversation detours which are equally amusing.

It wasn't exactly like that. But it was this insane rambling email that crossed me at the oddest time in my life. And being one for adventure, I responded. Thus beginning a friendship that I think is either trying to re-church me or drive me into the nut house again. Here is someone who won't take No for an answer. As in "I just don't think I believe in God anymore. There is too much pain, too much nonsense, it's too irrational." And he's all "Yes, you do." and then I'm like "No, seriously. I don't" and then he's like "No, that's stupid. Yes, you do". This goes on ad infinitum until finally I just give up and go "OK, probably. But only because your dedication to my belief system is so baffling."

Tonight was one of those nights while we were having a beer and watching the street lights come on. It was one of those nights where I adamantly disagreed with his arrogant assurance that I never have lost faith. Maybe I just misinterpreted it for a while.

Me:It's the energy between people that draws people together and causes them to send absurd emails to strangers. Not god. 

Him: No. Not true. You are stupid. God made this happen.

Me: Well, god burned his bridges with me. I'm done. Too many bad things in his name. Too much hate and too much judgement and too much bullshit.

Him: Well, God needed you to feel that

Me: Well, that sucks and I don't want that.

Him: Well, He is there anyway whether you believe in Him or not.

Me: That's not true.

Him: Yes it is. You believe in God. You just forgot.

And so there is the argument that can't be won. Ever. Because I've tried. But also the argument that is kicking me in the teeth every aggravating minute that I dwell on it. Maybe God brought me a friend  to annoy the Jesus back into me. Maybe its a coincidence. Maybe it's God paying me back because sometimes I'm a total needy ass and I deserve getting kicked around a little. I don't know. I know that I always want to be honest with you and with myself. And right now I don't know...

But either way, I know that you should always say yes to a crazy rambling email. Because maybe, just maybe, it's God (or goddess or positive energy). Working in His mysterious ways.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I Am Poor. Like in the Give Me Money way.

In other news:

IOCDF conference is in just a few weeks! I am speaking on Sunday morning so if you are going to be there, drag your booty out of bed Sunday morning and check it out! Aaaannnd...I get 90 minutes this year instead of 60 which is both awesome and frightening. Sometimes I talk faster to get more information in the allotted time and with that much time and that much fast talking I really really am going to struggle to avoid mentioning my vagina. Not intentionally. But vaginas are always relevant. Just not always appropriate in a professional conference setting. So I've been practicing keeping all vagina references in my brain. For now.

Also...I am going back to full time music! Turns out that I don't entirely function right without it. (lots of comments about how I don't function right anyway...etc.) This means that I have zero monies on a regular basis. This also means that things cost monies and you can't just go around telling vagina related life lessons educational tidbits in exchange for products and services. Services such as traveling to Chicago to speak at the IOCDF convention...

See where I'm going here?

I humble submit to you my simple dilemma and ask that if you are so inclined to donate monies to a poor but very spunky blogger, please do not let me stop you.

My Vagina Angela

You did what now?

OK. So last week did not at ALL turn out where I thought it was going to. Not even a little. Which isn't entirely unusual for me. But this one takes the proverbial trophy for all things that caught even me off guard. Dr says bi-polar. OK. I'll give you that one. Probably should have seen that one coming. Actually he said "best case, you have OCD and bi-polar which is a pretty vicious combination". There was a worst case scenario also, but that is not for today and currently is neither here nor is it there. So shut your faces about it. Anyhow, new meds! I feel like a unicorn! Or magic...

Second...I'm getting married! No, really. Swears! I totally told boyfriend that best case scenario means I might get thrown out of public places even while on my best behavior because the public just can't handle the intensity of my business and there is also a worst case scenario like a super fun bonus option! Then I totally told him (in all seriousness) that probably now is the best time to break up considering that I am just full to the top of medical bills and pharmaceuticals and potentially awesome other stuff that hasn't even figured out how to break through the shell yet. I don't want to be some one's burden or responsibility. I don't want another "safe person". I want a partner that I can offer equal support to. I want a best friend and I want to be able to handle this. I don't want to be with anyone because they feel like they have to be with me on account of I might freak the eff out and someday totally unprovoked and get gibberishy and stabbish. (I won't. I don't think).

So after my compelling you should leave me argument, he followed up with "Will you marry me?" There was other stuff in there about always loving each other and what have you but that is personal business! And also I was crying a lot and not entirely hearing all of it and thought he was mostly joking. Except that we are getting married in 18 days!

18 DAYS.

As in this-might-actually-be-the-most-insane-and-perfect-and-what-the-hell-thing I've ever experienced. And then I told the lady at the jewelry place I didn't want a ring that looked all wedding-y and I wanted something less traditional because I'm very untraditional and then I wouldn't ruin something fancy while I ate dead babies. And then I was all "I don't really eat dead babies. I was joking" But she didn't think it was funny. I was nervous and my mouth wouldn't shut up! Then the other lady told us we were the most interesting couple she'd seen and I was all "yeah well maybe you didn't hear about what I do to babies!" and Dual was all "Sssshhhh. Stop talking" and then I was afraid that he would change his mind. But then he told the lady at the dress place that I wouldn't be wearing white because I was a total hooker and I knew he gets me! And she looked all aghast and I was like "no for real. I'm a total whore." and then she looked at him all aghast and Dual was just like "Yep. She said it. No white dresses." We are the best at interacting with the public.

Happy Tuesday!

Post Script: Spell check wanted to change Sssshhhh to Chihuahuas. WTF spell check?