I got off work at my usual time and the drive home was everything normal. I grabbed my mail and went inside. There were bills with my name on them and offers to give me credit cards (wow those idiots offering me cards have no idea what a bad idea that is) and a friendly condescending little note from my mail man which was actually a friendly condescending little poem reminding me not to put my trash bins in front of the mail box. A freaking poem. With a little clip art of a trash bin. And I didn’t do that. The trash people left it there. So in my heels I pulled the bins to the front and went inside to my dogs.
This is where I should remind you that there was a hole in my fence that had yet to be patched. Lexi had been through it a couple times but I had it covered with a box until it could get patched. I had been very diligent about standing outside with the dogs so that they would not go through the hole and onto the busy street on the other side. My back yard is not only by a busy street but also by a stop light. But I was feeling particularly grown up and confident and my dogs were trained well enough to do their business and come back. I was only going to go to the bathroom myself and possibly change my clothes. It was going to be 5 minutes. And so I trusted my dogs to be as responsible as I was and I changed out of my skirt and into my yoga pants. I decided to check on the dogs and let them in before my evening of grown-uppery commenced in full.
I opened the door and called “Dogs!” as I often do because who can be bothered with names. This also works with “Childrens!” and running they do come. Only this time, just the one dog came running. And he was muddy up to his teensy little ankles. So I ventured into my muddy yard and called again. This is when I realized the box was shoved aside and I was short one terrier. So now I’m just totally walking around bare footed in the freezing and thick mud. It is caking on my feet and making some pretty awesome squishing sounds. I hoped she was close so I stuck my head through the fence hole calling her name. Only more like cursing her name. This is happening at 5:30pm when the stoplight was red and all the people in their cars were seeing a disembodied head coming through I fence shouting “Dammit Lexi!!” Lexi, where are you dammit!!” People are so judgy.
And now I have accepted that I am going to have to chase that stupid little hairball down so I tracked mud all inside myself so I could grab my shoes, my keys, and mutter a little bit more about why in God’s name do I have dogs. I wanted to make sure one more time that she hadn’t jumped back into the yard so I tracked around the backyard swamp and fully coated my shoes just so that I could make sure that my carpet would be absolutely effed when I went back inside. She wasn’t out there. Crap. So I darted through my house and got in my car. I drove around to the stop light and turned into the neighborhood entrance at the intersection. I hopped out of my car and started wandering up the street hollering for my stupid ass dog. It was still muddy and the intersection was still full of cars and I’m looking like a full blown crazy lady at this point. I walked all the way up the street calling her name and when I got to my fence with the hole in it, who the hell popped her little head out? Effing Lexi, that’s who dammit! I was not about to walk back to my car and drive home without her because odds were strong to quite strong that she would jump back through the hole and be gone again when I got there. So cursing as I could, I reached through the hole and yanked that dog, who knew she was in trouble, out of that yard by the scruff of her neck and got her muddy little feet all over me in the process. I got her back to my car and got her home.
But I think what we need to remember here is that I never quite finished changing from work. I had only put on yoga pants. So I was still all business on the top side. Jewelry, nice shirt, hair and make-up with purple yoga pants and black Ugg knock-offs from payless. So basically all those nice people waiting patiently at the light just saw a crazy half dressed lady with mud up to her ankles steal a dog forcibly through a fence then yell at it, get in a car and drive away. I would have called the police if I had seen me. But so far the po-pos haven’t caught up to me yet.
And now, so glad to be back home and so irritated with that dog and the mud, I decide there is still a chance to salvage my grown-up adultiness. I kicked off my muddy shoes and started some pasta. While I waited a poured some chilled Chimay into a big open glass and took a sip. All was well. I called Boyfriend and told him the tale of how I saved that dog from the clutches of certain death at the risk of frostbite and perilous danger and getting arrested. Which is when my other dog decided he wasn’t done being outside yet. So I turned off the burner with an irritated huff (which was entirely necessary because guilt tripping dogs is way more effective than you think) and showed that damn dog outside. Where Lexi wanted to be. But of course she wasn’t going out there. So I stepped onto the porch to keep Lexi inside and Peter outside. But she continued to try and nose her way out. So I shut the door. Which locks automatically behind you. Because Boyfriend and I thought that would be a great safety feature. Which it is. There was no effing way I was getting back in that house. The house which held my phone and my shoes and my Chimay and my dignity.
So I that point I was still dressed all half business half trailer park and I’m barefoot and freezing. I had a few options. Wait an hour for Boyfriend to get home, try to break into my own house, or go next door and ask to use their phone. I decided to wait it out. Yeah that lasted about 4 minutes. My toes were frozen mud blocks. I went around to the front of the house…no wait…I had to freaking ninja kick the shit out of my gate because it was all wedged down into the mud and THEN I went around to the front of the house. I knew it was useless, but I checked all my doors and windows anyway. Lucky for me I’m super security conscious! I had to suck it up and go knock on my neighbor’s door. I’m shivering and muddy and looking all crazy so I don’t blame her and her daughters for answering the door with the phone in hand and barely peeking out the 2 inches they opened it. Again, I would have called the police on me had I seen me. We’ve only met one other time so I was super excited to tell them how much of an idiot I am.
“Um, hi…I’m Angela from next door…I’m super awesome and went ahead and locked myself out so could I just make a quick phone call to have someone come rescue me? OK, great thanks.” They handed me their phone which possibly had 9-1 already dialed into it and I called Dual. But he didn’t answer because who the hell’s number is that? So I called again and I don’t think he knew it was me so I’m all “Um, hi…It’s Angela, you know, your girlfriend…I’m super awesome and locked myself out and I need you to rescue me.” It was going to be a while before he could rescue my dumb self and the nice neighbor people were very opposed to me waiting on my own porch where I might freeze to death so they insisted that I track mud all into their beautiful home. During their dinner. So I got to just sit there like a muddy freezing bump on a log awkwardly pretending not to eavesdrop until rescue came for me. And Boyfriend’s son thought it was hilarious. I love that kid.
Finally back inside, I finally had both my dogs in their appropriate places, I washed all the mud and crap off my feet, finished that spaghetti and downed that Chimay. Then in a very grown-upish manner I just called it quits and went to bed. And THAT is how you do grown-up at my house.