Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Things I have spilled on myself today

Coffee

Water

Dr. Pepper

Water

Cheese

Coffee

Face goo from eleven year old glasses

Apparently it was Halloween or whatever and nobody likes preemptive pee.

If you missed it...I've been moving. I have been moving so hard. Well, I'm not even the one who has done the bulk of the moving. My most excellent friends have been doing the work. And last night...wait for it...the last truckload of my things was finally reunited with all my other things! You have no idea how exciting it is to have all your stuff in one place. I felt like a bag lady or a gypsy for a while there. Just having stuff all over town. I'm all "Well, since I have no panties, I better wear something long. But all my long things need ironing. And I think the iron is on the other side of town. So my option is wear wrinkled clothes or go next door to my new neighbors and ask for their iron because I need it so my vag won't show." Welcome to the neighborhood, me.

And as it was Halloween last night, I was dutifully hiding in my bedroom to avoid trick-or-treaters. Because it is obnoxious. And I have a fear of being raped on account of me being so rapeable and alone in my big new house. So I unpacked, and peeled wallpaper and unpacked some more. And unearthed the gas can for the lawn mower in one of my boxes of clothes. Which will make a lot more sense when I finally get around to the story of how I was basically evicted from my home by a terrible witch of a pint sized woman.

Then I started hearing knocking on my door.

Then the dogs went psychotic.

Then it was pounding.

Then I'm pretty sure I peed a little.

Which was not pleasant due to the not having on of panties or pants.

Which made the dogs go crazier, which in turn made me curse at them, which I was afraid tipped off the rapist, and NOW I've exhausted my defense system because my first plan of attack for whenever someone tries to rape me is to pee on them but I'm about DONE doing that now and preemptive pee is not at all effective.

And there is louder knocking and a freaking shadow man outside my door and I can't find my baseball bat or even a knife for that matter except for the knife my step-mom used to clean hair out of my vacuum a couple days prior which not at all coincidentally was the serving knife from my "wedding". And I don't even know where my phone is and if I walk through the entry to try and find it then the shadow man will know I am home and either demand candy or a raping neither of which I had any of to give.

Then shadow man retreats to the back side of my house at the same moment my phone starts to ring a familiar ring tone and I answer it and holler "Dual, there is someone pounding on my door! And I don't want to get raped!" and he's all "It's me dammit! Open the door!" And it turned out that there was no raping on anyones' agenda although he wouldn't have argued with candy. Instead, he was actually bringing me the last of my furniture and my ironing board and a ladder and some candle sconces. Which was awesome. So I took him to dinner at Twin Peaks.

If you have never been to Twin Peaks, please go right now. It is the most awesome place on the planet. It is like Hooters but without pretending to be classy. And the food is actually so good that I seriously ate until it was painful. Usually, beautifully and surgically crafted women serve food in shorts and flannel tops tied up like bikinis and hiking boots and they are probably the friendliest wait staff of any restaurant anywhere ever because, let's be honest, they know why they are dressed like that. They aren't trying to pretend to be offended when you look at them and mutter about how it's degrading to women when in reality we all wish we could look like that and honestly they make more money in one night than I do all week and probably they are in med school or whatever. Play to your strengths I say. Both of them. But go to Twin Peaks on Halloween...that is a whole different breed of slutty Halloween costumes.

Slutty Gypsy, Devil, Boxer, Ballerina, and then a few that just phoned it in and wore their lingerie. Which is more than I can say for myself right now, although I have tracked down some of my panties.

So that is how I spent Halloween '11.