Saturday, July 30, 2011

i totally had this crazy idea that I was going to be able to update through out the conference. Oh right, I'm in effing San Diego!! Anyhow, there is so much happening and people and things and places and seminars and the beach and new friends and life and fun and exciting that I don't think I can fit it all in right now. BUT...never fear. i am definetly taking notes and pictures and all that. I even have a couple scars already because, you know, it is me after all. See you all very soon with lots of stories!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's conference day! And my birthday still. A little.

It's San Diego day!! I plan to keep posts and updates and all that coming all weekend. But we all know I'm not much of a follow througher. But, good sign from the universe...Steve Madden black platform pumps with silver stiletto on clearance for only $70 bucks yesterday. UM...YES! Thank you birthday money. And Steve Madden. So I'm on the way to the *gasp* airport *gasp* alone. But here is the post from my birthday that I forgot about/was too lazy to post/messed up my blogger dashboard email and had to curse at it to get it to let me sign in/wrote for your enjoyment/wrote becuase I love my birthday. See you soon!

Sooo…Today is my birthday!!

If you don’t follow me on Facebook then you won’t know that it is actually Day 5 of Birthday week. Birthday week is an annual tradition where I do fun things and hang out with fun people and generally have a blast and get nothing actually accomplished. I figure that this year shouldn’t be any different. In fact, as I am embracing the new independent me, I realize that this year more than any other year I have need to celebrate and move forward and start over and appreciate what I have and love the people around me and find positivity and chose happiness and positive energy.

I am a different person than I was one year ago. This last year has brought me challenges and trauma and difficulty. I brought me to rock bottom. Which was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Because I came out on the other side a brand new person. I worked so hard for the last several years to maintain and overcome mental illness. This last year Jesus decided it was finally time to take away my safety net. And at first it was hard. And I was pissed. Pissed at life. Pissed at the situation that I didn’t ask for. Pissed that Jesus was messing with me. But then I started to realize that all those pieces I had been trying to put together for the last few years finally and suddenly came together all at once. I was balancing on the wire and I didn’t fall. And then the wire turned into a bridge. And then the bridge became this clearly lit solid path that didn’t require a net. And I’m traveling it. I’m doing it.

The path is brand new to me but it feels exciting. I can’t always see what’s up ahead but I know that there are lessons and experiences to be had. I feel focused and determined and independent. I feel like what I have been trying to be for all these years of mental illness. There are new people along the path. There is still pain on the path. But instead of letting it overcome me, I am learning from it and growing and changing. Last week on the path I peed in a bush. For real. I actually did that. Who knew I could do that? I also can drive on this path. Anywhere. Everywhere. I can take care of myself on this path. I’m still figuring out how that works and sometimes I mess up, but I am doing it. I am taking chances and sometimes getting concussions and bruises and sweaty and tired and its fun!

So basically Happy Birthday to me. It’s going to be a great year!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I don't know where this post is headed. I'm just trying to do things. All kinds of things.

It’s gonna be one of those posts where I have no idea where to start and no idea where I’m going and no idea how to wrap it up and no idea what the point is supposed to be. It’s like stream-of-consciousness that hopefully doesn’t freak out your brain by seeing a little of what’s in mine. I’m not sure that anyone really should be allowed full access to my thought process. For example: Here is part of a conversation I had 2 days ago.

Him: What are you looking at?
Me: Your arm.
Him: Why? Are you looking at my big muscles?
Me: No. I was looking at this spot right here. (crook of the arm where the elbow bends)
Him: And why were you doing that?
Me: I was thinking that your veins are really big and would be easy to stick a needle into.
Him: What?!
Yeah. See? Sometimes when I’m not really paying attention to my mouth, weird stuff comes out of it. And yet somehow people still hang around me. Sometimes I think they are only hanging around because at any moment I could turn into like the best story they’ve ever had to tell people about. I’ll be their go to story when they meet people and are having conversations. I’ll be their “and this one time this chick just totally went nuts right in the middle of the bar! She was like touching things and twitching around and repeating words! It was so crazy!” So you’re welcome. I don’t mind being your ice breaker. At least just use my real name and give me some credit.

OK, so anyhowdoyoudoandwhydoistillhavefriends, I’ve been busy. In case you are out of the loop, my life has taken a dramatic turn in the last month. I can’t give you all my details right now. I was in the psych ward which was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, and when I got out my life pretty much got pulled out from underneath me. Everything I have ever known to be true for the past many many years is gone and different and changed. But, as is my custom now, I am trying to learn and grow. Which is hard when there is so much that is unfamiliar. But, I am a strong person. I am a smart and determined female. I am going to keep moving and growing and learning. And when it hurts I try to experience the hurt and be inside of it and really feel it. When it feels powerful, I try and experience it and live in it and soak it up and save it and learn how to harness it. I am trying to stay positive and live and experience and be in the moment. I couldn’t have done that 3 years ago. Hell, I couldn’t have done that 3 months ago. So this is for a reason and I don’t want to miss one second of whatever it is that I am supposed to be learning here.

I’ve been doing things. Some of those things suck balls. I hate doing those things. Some of those things are awesome and I want to do them all the time. The point is, I’m doing things. I’m continually placing one foot in front of the other. I am doing things every day. I am learning how to financially manage my own life. I rode a motorcycle. I am doing a certification course and getting a new job. I am performing. I am meeting people and making friends. I am doing things. And in the very wise words of someone who we will call Danonymous, “Doin’ things is good.” And it is. Crappy things and fun things. I just keep doing things. Danonymous also was very excited about “not even needing a roofie” so we will take that one for whatever it’s worth.

I am finding myself accessing parts of my personality that either were never there before or were too afraid to stand up and be accounted for. But I’m moving and learning and praying and sending good energy into the universe and centering and laughing and crying and feeling and teaching and absorbing and doing things. Because doin’ things is good. It’s all part of the process.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Go ahead and try for yourself. I did.

I just need to take a quick moment to thank whoever googled "peeing ashes". That is awesome in so many ways but mostly because my blog comes up as the number one match on google. My blog=peeing ashes. Thank you. You are why I do this.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Philosophy or Fatigue. I'm still deciding

Sometimes we are just rolling along living life and then the universe or God or karma or the muses or whatever is all “Hey, everybody who is fixin’ to just keep chillin’ and moving on and living life all happy and normal raise your hand.” And then the universe is all “You…there…with the skinned knees and concussion…not so fast.” And then Karma or the wind or the infinite or whatever just sucker punches you right in the girl nads.

And then you’re all “The frick, universe?! What did I do?” And the wind or the being or the force be with you says “You did nothing. But chill the ass out for a second. You are here for a reason. There’s gonna be lots of crap hit lots of fans and lots of it is going to go backwards into your mouth. Crap does that when haphazardly strewn about. But what you will learn is to keep your mouth closed. And probably your eyes. You don’t want some kind of conjunctivitis.” And hopefully, instead of diseases, you walk away with a lesson.

And then later as you are recovering from mouth poo, the path you are walking gets dark and scary and lonely and mean and the trees look alive and they grab and they pull at you. Kinda like in Wizard of Oz but in a completely non-plagerized way. And some of them are even talking and trying to get you to take this other path. And they want you to give up and walk through the murky yucky pits and sink into the sand because the sadness of the swamp got to you. Kinda like Neverending Story but in a totally non-plagerized way. And you almost head on over, because holy hell…I’m tired and what did I do to deserve this and I need a rest anyway.

But then you remember how you almost got poo in your mouth and you learned a lesson from that, so you decide to keep walking. Mouth firmly closed. And walking. And walking. And along the way there are people. And the first one says “Hey I got that poo all in my mouth too, wasn’t that gross?” And the next one says “I was so sad on the path. I was lonely. But now here we all are together.” And you each share your stories of surviving of living and thriving and grabbing life by it’s own girl nads and saying “There, how do you like me now?” And you realize that you are a different person and they people around you are different because of you and you because of them. And you realize that maybe John Lennon had a good idea about the love thing.”

And then God or the universe or Jesus or your mom or karma or the flying spaghetti monster or whoever it is shows up and is all “See, now that’s why I punched you in the balls. If I had just told you the lesson it wouldn’t have sunk in.” And you are all “OK, I get the method but maybe could we try something else next time?” And the ancestors or the spirits of the wind or the nymphs of the forest tell you “Well, that depends on you. Stupid. Pay attention to every detail. Be thankful for each day. Love to your fullest. Experience to your utmost. Meet people. Learn from them. Teach them. Use your senses and your mind and your emotions and create and appreciate creation and dare to say yes. And you will learn. And sometimes I’ll kick you in the balls again when you get all caught up in the beauty of this life you get to live.” And you’ll be all “Wow. I think I get it. Wait…did you call me stupid?”

And then God pinches you on the arm just a little. And you’re all “Ow! Stop it! What was that even for?!” And the universe or your angel or your conscience is all “I’m just reminding you that I’m here.” Even when it hurts. And is annoying.

I mean, I would laugh. If it happened to someone else. I would laugh so hard

I don’t think it’s a secret that I am not an athlete. Yes, tall. Athlete, no. Incredibly clumsy, yes. Lithe and agile, no. God’s little sense of humor. But I’m bendy like a Gumby so I can just usually bounce and twist my way out of things.

So remember how I’m seizing life now? I’m living and saying yes and learning and absorbing and not wasting a second of living? Well, one of the things on the list I made was “Play on a social sports team.” And being the over-achiever that I am, not only did I get on a kickball team, I started my own dang team. So now, I literally have no idea what I am doing, I have no skills whatsoever other than being a novelty in the women’s height division, I’ve never actually worn cleats or touched a kickball, and I am the boss of a team. Sometimes I don’t always think ahead.

But, as always here at So Now You Know we focus on the positive and learn our lessons. I recruited some killer kickball vets who also had the ability to be patient with me and my jittery, crazy self. Season got off and running with a great start. Great team, good dymanic, lots of fun, lots of newbies playing on the team just like me. But our vets took it over and made us a team.

So last week, the game gets underway after the captains play paper, rock, scissors. I kicked ass at it and chose outfield for us. Should have just quit right there with that win. By the second inning, we pretty much knew that this was going to be about love of the game and not winning for our team. We were getting picked off one after another.

Our lineup is kind of long, so I didn’t actually get my first at bat until top of the fourth out of a five inning game. I was so ready to stop this shut-out. I kicked that line-drive so solid on the ground and watched it just sail past the fielders. I knew I was getting at least to second. Until everything suddenly went into slow motion. It started when I felt my cleats dig in on my right foot. As I brought my left foot forward, the inertia of my entire 6 foot frame fought against the stubbornness of my cleat and brought my complete body over my leg and down right into the center of my forehead. I didn’t even skin my hands or knees. My whole body just zeroed in on the point in my forehead and forced all weight through my skull in an apparent attempt to knock out my brains.

I remember the ground as it came really close. And I remember making a sound. A really indescribable squeally scream that probably was even more awesome not inside my head. I remember hitting the ground and my head bouncing back up really slowly. As it came up I thought “OK, everything is in multiples. That can’t be good. I think my eyes are in backwards.” And then I remember impact the second time. The very next instant I remember both teams nervously helping me to my feet. I remember yelling “its cool everybody! I’m good!” I remember getting over to the fence and then being repeatedly woken back up by ever vigilant teammates. There was a nurse on our team. It wasn’t like I needed to go to the hospital so they could confirm what we already knew and then tell someone to keep an eye on me. So it made more sense to stay with my friends for a while.

Now for what really happened: (as corroborated by approximately 20 separate accounts)

Yes, I toe picked it into the ground. As my body accordioned up on itself and then on over the top, I did in fact make a sound so insane that Mother Freaking Theresa would have had to stop for a laugh. Even Jesus would be all, “Yeah, I’m gonna come help, but Holy crap woman did you hear yourself?!” So let’s start the clock :10 spent both teams laughing at the noise I made. Then when my head went down a second time, they just assumed I was laughing at myself from embarrassment and stood around and laughed some more. We’re at about :30 now. Then it got all quiet as both teams are all “Hmmm…is she kidding?” Then they saw me apparently trying to get up so they got all laughing again. :60. I went back down to the ground and obviously couldn’t stand up so the crowd hits awkward silence again. Finally, someone suggests that maybe I actually was knocked out and decided to check. :90. Yeah I laid there knocked out for 90 seconds at least. And that’s the part when I supposedly started to assure everyone I was fine and tell them I was going to throw up. Yep. Concussion. At kickball. From hitting the ground. I rule at sports. And also walking.

I am sorry that my knowledge of small puffy animals is not adequate for this post

When I was in the special home for special people like me who are just kinda special, my dear friend brought me some clothes and shoes and books and all kinds of things I might need in my new safe place with crafts and groups and pudding cups. However…it turns out that among the list of things we special folks can’t have is a blow dryer. Why? Who knows? It’s just “the rules”. And I am the type to always follow “the rules”. So she was forced to take my blow dryer all the way back to her house because they aren’t even trying to have responsibility for my blow dryer. No telling what kinda power that thing could have. Best to get it out of the building.

But here’s the problem, she lives way the booty far away from me. So all was well in my crazy little home and the time came for me to return to my natural environment. However, my blow dryer was not on my route home and I forgot to go get it.

And thus went by a week, and then two, and then three. I just don’t get out there that often. So the good news is that I have curly hair. And when I just let it dry it just dries curly. But I was starting to get really bored of curly hair. Something had to be done. Having learned my lesson from when I previously set my old blow dryer on fire; my hair is too long and luscious to be dried by simply flinging my head around. Also, that is very dangerous and you can whack your head on things. I only need that lesson once. So, I went back to the figurative drawing board (as my own drawing board is dry erase and has been defiled with permanent marker and therefore is no longer useful for hatching plans.) And it hit me…the air compressor in the garage.

So for about a month I dried my hair with high powered air used to fill tires and power hydraulic machinery. Yes, my hair was dry. It was also appeared as though a muskrat had perched on my head. I say muskrat because I am not really familiar with what small furry animal would make a good simile there. Pekinese maybe? 1980’s mall rat?

But good news! I have my blow dryer back! And it is fabulous. Never again will I take something so simple for granted. And by stating that moral of this story I have crafted a motivating and time enduring fable with a precious life lesson. I am like a shaman. A magic shaman. With good hair.

I just can't get into it right now, but I'm still here

I’m having sort of a blog hiatus. It’s a long story. For another day. For now, please enjoy these few posts. Laughing is how I live. Laughing is how I survive. In the midst of the very serious, I still look at my life and try to find the funny. My only hope is that sometimes you laugh a little too and your very serious becomes a little easier to carry.