Friday, May 27, 2011

Sometimes your life just punches you right in the balls and you gotta get up and put some ice on it and learn how to keep living.

I'm back in case you haven't heard.

And for those of you who didn't know I was gone...

I voluntarily checked myself into a Psychiatric Ward. And they made me stay for 8 days. And the still didn't want to send me home but I was ready. I think they just loved me a lot. Anyhow, apparently that's like a right of passage for the crazies. Hospitilization. And it wasn't even OCD related. It was traumatic events followed by a collasol meltdown followed by really really bad conclusions in my brain that I must not really be worth all that much. So I was dumb. And I did dumb things to combat pain of trauma and confusion. And then in the midst of my stupidity, I snapped to and called for help. And for that, I am very much proud of myself. And not at all ashamed.

8 days in pure therapy will definetly make you see your life in a new way. No phones or internet or electronics or shoe laces or deodarent or shaving without supervision will change how you see things. And I am choosing to see things as a learning experience.

I am learning that:
No one but me controls my value. I am not worthless unless I tell myself I am.
No one but me controls my reactions.
No one but me controls my emotions.
I am really much stronger than I thought I was.
I can choose to love and forgive. It's within my control to love. No outside forces can change that.
I can choose to take each experience and find the positivity inside and soak it up.
I can choose empathy and compassion for other people even when it seems like I shouldn't be compassionate, because we all have struggles and everybody hurts, and we all do dumb things and then we can decide if we want to pick up and move on as a better person or lay down and die.
I am having experiences so that other people can learn too.
I control my happiness. Nobody can "make" me hate myself or not love myself.
I am learning that sticking to a commitment takes hard work and it is so so worth the effort.
And mostly I am learning that holy crap, I have so much life in me to live and I am so looking forward to it!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Happy Mother's Day. You may never look at me the same way after reading this. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Mother’s Day brought me some wonderful new insights this year.

First of all, I was reminded strongly of that fact that I have actually birthed 2 enormous children. Yes, because I got the cards with the stickers and the hand drawn pictures and the flowers and candy and all that. Yes, I got the hugs and kisses and whatnot. But, mostly I was reminded when Lily wanted me to jump on the trampoline with her. Oh yay! The joy of bonding! But also, peeing a little every freaking time I jumped. Because my dear sweet children have destroyed me. So I’m jumping and peeing and jumping and peeing and thinking sweet dear mother of crap I need Depends just to play with my kid. So, yeah. Happy Freaking Mother’s Day to me. Next year I’ll just have some mushed prunes and watch Matlock on the picture box.

Secondly, it has been one year since I have been uterus free. Woot! I don’t miss that thing at all. But better news than that is I don’t have to go see my lady part doctor every couple months since I passed my one year exam with an A+! I win at hysterectomy. And this is good because (WARNING: GRAPHIC LADY PARTS STORY TO FOLLOW!!!) the last time I was in his office, he put me all up in the feet spreaders. This is always unpleasant but I suppose it is better than being pumped up onto a hydraulic system and having him climb all up in there like at the auto shop. So, being open to the fresh air as he climbs around and tugs on my intestines, he begins dictating notes to the nurse to write in my chart. Things like “Vagina looks beautiful”. No I’m serious. My chart actually declares that my vagina is beautiful. Can’t functionally hold back little pee bursts but aesthetically it is very pleasing. Anyhow, the note dictating became aggressive and that is when spittle landed in my girl parts. Did you get that? Little tiny saliva drops escaped and kamikazied me. And there was nothing I could do about it. This was so way much worse than when someone accidently spits on your arm or face or something. So yeah, no more of that for at least a year. And that is a win.

Happy Freaking Mother's Day.

Learning lessons and living life.

OK, so yeah. I get it. It has been a while. But I’ve been having one of those ‘episodes’ if you will. Or perhaps we could call it a phase or an extended period of time that has been particularly challenging/rewarding/busy/impossible/teachable/awakening/forced/crazy. So let’s catch up.

I’ve had some tough tough times.

Then I had some really good times.

I did a show to promote OCD awareness and raise money. That in and of itself was exhausting mentally and physically.

I went to bed last night in my own bed. That is a big deal. I went to bed without touching a single light switch or door knob or lock or alarm clock or keypad to the alarm system. I fell asleep without medication (unless half a beer counts as medication). I slept all night. I’d like to think of this as a win. Maybe my brain was finally just shutting down, but I think that it is two steps forward after one step back.

Because the days prior to that I didn’t sleep at all. I took all kinds of drugs. And every disability I have in my brain come roaring out in full force and woke up all the physical disabilities that come along with being crazy. Life kicked me in the ass. Challenges threatened to beat me. Stone cold truths turned to warmish pliable rubber.

But I guess those kinds of things need to happen or I’d never learn anything. I would forget why it is that I am fighting so hard to maintain my illness. It’s all part of that cosmic black/white, good/bad, fat/skinny, yin/yang, tall/short, crazy/sane balance.

And then I woke up and took my pills and got in my car and drove. All by myself.

Monday, May 2, 2011

It's almost time for the show! I'm gonna talk about my boobs a little at the show! In an educational OCD related type of way. Trust me.

Terribly sorry for the radio silence everyone. I have been hard at work on my show which is the pre-cursor to my speech at the IOCDF convention in July. The show is FRIDAY at 7pm in OKC!! Contact me if you are in the area and need more details. I ain't gonna's turning out pretty awesome. I'm gonna laugh at it.

So, I've pretty much just been on about my business lately. I did manage to oversleep one afternoon and was awakened by one of my students arriving for a lesson. yeah, you don't play that off like you just didn't hear the bell. She came in and I was still in bed. So that was neat. I win at teaching lessons.

Also, I had someone ask me if my show was child friendly. Of course it is. but she wanted to know if I would be using "that" word that i am so fond of using. I literally had no idea. I was all "The f-word? Crap? Suck balls? Boobs? I literally have a lot of "those" words so you are going to have to help me out here. I'm not saying anything i wouldn't say in front of my kids. Does that help?" And she was like "You know, that one word you like..." And I was like "Oh!!!! Vagina! Yes. I will probably say that." But I legitimately will try to NOT say it. Love you, girl!

Also, Luke's birthday party was last weekend. I'm still trying to process it in my mind so I can turn it into words and write them down. It was a little insane. peace out!