So anyhow, we are sitting and talking as normal people often do. I said idiot things and laughed at silly things. We somehow steered our conversation to how I came to be labeled as “inappropriate” and also female. Remember how I am pro-vagina in everyday conversation? I’m sure they could have assessed my appropriateness on their own and as for my gender, I could see how I might be confused with a really good drag queen. But anyhow, there we were and there I was. And then it just began occurring to me there in that moment how different my life has become.
I rode in a bus. I ate in a place called “Pigskin”. I met people. I talked to people. I maintained my compulsions. I didn’t get trapped in my own cyclical thoughts. I didn’t worry about what I said or did. I was just myself. Medicated, but nonetheless. There was a time I could not do any of those things. There was a time when meeting and talking to new(er) people was practically impossible. I had paralyzing anxiety in social/professional situations. I am a different person.
And then I started really realizing how much my illnesses have cost me. And I was pissed. I am pissed. Mental illness stole so many years from my life. It has taken so many experiences away from me. And not just me, but my husband and my kids and my friends and friends that I never had because I couldn’t leave my house. And I really hate that. My stupid brain has messed up so much. I have so much resentment for my illness. I want to kick it in its stupid face. Four times.
But on the other hand, I wouldn’t turn back the clock and change it. Because I wouldn’t be having the experiences that I’m having now. I wouldn’t have stories to tell and lessons learned. I wouldn’t be aware how great these things are now. I wouldn’t have such unbelievable appreciation for little things. Little things like sitting in the donut/BBQ place and talking. Just like normal. Only it’s my own personal inappropriate normal. And that’s cool.
But side note normal people: check back with me once you've experienced one of my full scale meltdowns. Because that is something special. You have no idea what you have gotten yourselves into.