Tuesday, December 28, 2010

still alive.

Headed to Vegas.

Had some gnarley bronchitis.

Took some pills.

More to come.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Thankful Whateverday! Now with guest stars!

I haven’t been really all that consistant about having my Thursdays. I mean, I still HAVE them. It’s not like I’m some kind of genie or something that can just skip them and then replace them with another day or suspended animation or something. I’m not freaking Zack Morris! And if I could I would totally patent that and sell the crap out of it. Like you could pay me to come over and skip ahead a day for you or to freeze everyone in place for a while. And then I would pose your frozen bodies in terribly compromising/hilarious positions before taking your money and unfreezing you just as I said “Huzzah!” and disappeared on my jet pack. Yep. Anyhow, I‘ve not had my weekly thankful Thursday. Not even on other days like usual. So I’ll have one now I guess.

We have a new church. Yeah, old news blah blah vagina. But we got to go out tonight just for fun with some people we know now. And it was time to unleash a little more crazy. A) The ins and outs of my OCD. Like how I’m not a cleaner or washer or organizer. I’m not the neurotic Monk kind. I’m the weird i-literally-have-no-idea-what-she-is-doing-is-this-a-psychotic-break-down-do-we-need-to-get-a-tranq-gun kind. Like the almost frightening kind. I didn’t like freak out or anything but the descriptions are odd enough. Which is why I write them down. In non threatening blog form. And then if you wanna be all judgy you can at least be comfortable while you do it. Or if you have questions you can ask me. Or if you just wanna know how I feel about body parts. B) I opened up some of that why-we-left(were strongly encouraged to leave) our old church baggage. And sometimes when I talk about it, I get hostile. Because it still hurts. And is kinda nuts. And a little hard to believe. And is SO not a belief system that I adhere too anymore. But don’t misunderstand me. I love Jesus. I am a Jesus follower. No matter who calls me inappropriate(a female.)

So what is the thankful part? Well…all of this and nobody cocked a head at me or made the “shocked” noise or straight up walked away. Um…yeah. That is awesome. These are people like me. These are people different than me. These are just…people. So let me give a little introduction to a few of these lovely ladies who made my night so fun. (FYI: husbands were banished to the other side of the table where they nerded it up with work talk and staring silently at the multiple TVs on ESPN. And also asking me not to talk about my uterus.) We’re gonna go right to left, only because the last conversation couldn’t really be topped:

1) Fabulously honest, bold, and serious about some kids' sports. Always seems to be shopping at the same place at the same time as me. Which is a little creepy. Probably could beat me up but wouldn’t. Can rock some fierce shoes and isn’t afraid to talk about vaginas.

2) Purely intimidating based on complicated career involving numbers and computers and for ordering a very serious glass of red wine. I didn’t even know how to say it. I ain’t that kinda classy. Also, was not at all put off by my bandying about of words like “cervix” while eating. Makes me feel all kinds of welcome and part of the group.

3) Runs freaking marathons. Are you getting this? Runs. For like hours. At once. I don’t even jog to my car when it’s cold out. I’m all “Cavett. Bring up the car!” that is because I am bossy. And also lazy. And I do not run. Also, a real live Canadian which I have mad respect for. Has those actual real-live family Christmas deals that everyone sees on TV. I believe I heard the phrase “team of horses”. But, has (thus-far) allowed me to be the Crazy Lady That Hates Christmas/Holidays. And organized the small group that has given birth to this new collection of friends of ours. Thanks for opening that birth canal.

4) Okay, last up…this conversation happened:

Her: (I couldn’t hear all of this because it wasn’t directed towards me but something to the effect of ) hey…wanna bite of your food…no spoon…I’ll just use my finger (and this part I know I heard right) It’s clean. I just had it in my butt.
Me: You had a what now in your butt?
Her: My finger. My finger was in my butt. Here smell it.
Me: No butt finger for me thanks.

Thus sealing her place in the Awesome fall of fame. Because who talks about butt finger? Oh yeah…ME.

And that is my thankful Sunday. Peace out. I’m taking my pills and going lights out.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Wal-mart and How to Wear Yoga Pants as according to Luke

I had to go to Wal-mart today. And when I say had to, I mean I really HAD to go. The Pre-K class birthday party is coming up and it’s my turn to help plan. And my planning buddy is the homeroom mom. And she is for REALZ about planning parties. I was assigned to get some things and honestly I am a little fearful for my life if I don’t get it in on time. This woman loves to plan her some parties. I more of the who-can-I-pay-to-set-this-up-and-entertain/feed-these-kids-and-clean-up-all-the-crap-and-here’s-some-presents-but-I’m-super-crappy-at-wrapping-but-you-don’t-care-cause-you’re-a-kid-and-I-am-good-at-buying-and-what-Igot-you-is-pretty-rad-and-can-I-please-play-with-it. Anyhow, had to go to Walmart.

It’s funny because I can actually go to Walmart alone now providing that it is not after dark and providing that it is during the time of day when only retired people are there, but I still need to park in the “good” row as determined by the parking lot numbering system. If they didn’t number it, it probably wouldn’t even matter, but they do number it so I must abide by the system and park in row 8. I like to check out at an even number station although I’m a little more flexible with that one.

It turns out that I should never shop alone. Ever. My goal was to get things for the party and possibly few Christmas gifts. But instead I’m all “Hmmm…this looks like somethings that (fill-in-the-blank) would like…Oooo look hair clips and nail polish!” Before I even had one thing in my cart for other people I already had nail polish, new hair clips, hair conditioner and face wash in my cart although to be fair I actually needed the last two things. Then I wandered over to the perfume not because I was going to buy perfume because I get that elsewhere but possibly a new body splash for after the shower. So I tried the first couple and…ew. Then I tried the next two and…ew. Why would you want to smell like that? On purpose? It was like really bad old lady perfume. Not all of you fine distinguished women who read my blog because obviously you chicks are young and chic and sassy. You know what I mean though…like nauseating, sickly sweet or powerfully floral with a touch of moth balls and chemical cleansers. The problem was that I sampled all of them on my own self including getting it on my shirt. So NOW I must walk all over walmart smelling like a cache (gaggle, herd, flock?) of old ladies while the people near me are all “Holy frick storm! What IS that smell?” although it did encourage to not stick around in Walmart too long because honestly I couldn’t stand the smell of myself.

So yeah. That’s what I’ve done so far today. Also this conversation happened:

Me: Do I have to wear panties? I mean can you tell through my yoga pants that I’m not?

Luke: Wear panties.

Me: Whhhhyyyyy? They’re so unnecessary.

Luke: You are wearing yoga pants. At some point today you will get camel toe.

Me: Nuh-uh. These yoga pants have a built in vagina. See?

Luke: Wow. You really need to put on underwear like a normal person.

Me: Fine.

Luke: You are gross.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Train wreck of thought

Why is it that when my child gets sick and runs a super high fever she all the sudden freaks out and runs around and literally does pirouettes through the living rooms at 3:00 in the morning while I am getting her 4 medications ready and begging her to sit still so she doesn’t shut down her bronchioles? I would only be like that if I was on crack. You know, like IF I took crack. I don’t do crack. Promise. Crack is whack. Anyhow, it has been exhausting . And also, I don’t know if you have noticed, but it’s the freaking holidays. So yeah…when Luke was all “Why aren’t you blogging blah blabity blergggggggggg?” I was like “K really? Maybe I should pop a cap in your freaking bluebird of happiness and see if it will shower me with glitter and sunshine and magic so I’ll be all chipper too.” And he was all “You are so messed up. I love you.”

So here it goes. Some catch you up blogging. It may get a little stream-of-consciousness up in here.

I’ve been arranging music like…well…like a crazy person. I’m turning some Beatles solo arrangements into choir arrangements and joining them together. Um…I’m really good at this. It’s going to be seriously awesome. But I haven’t been focused on much else for the last few days. SO yesterday we were on our way home from church and we had to pass the donkey house. For real, these people keep donkeys in their enormous yard. It started with 2. And then they had 3. And then yesterday, there were 4. So I was like “Dang it that’s a l lot of donkeys. It’s like they are flipping collectors or something.” And then because I’ve been so distracted lately I didn’t even see how easily I’d set this up…So I said they were collectors and Luke says “So that’s a pretty big ass collection.” How did I NOT see that coming?

I work at a high school among other things. I play piano. Long story short, I had to spend an hour in a practice room with 7 high school boys. Seven. An HOUR. Do you have any idea how much cologne 7 high school boys wear? Hint: ungodly amounts. God love them.

I wear really big earrings. Like really really big earrings. Anyhow, I was wearing my most favorite hoops. I’m pretty good at big earrings. But now that I drive and all (thankyouverymuch) I needed to turn my head to check my blind spot (because I was getting on the mother flipping highway THANKYOUVERYMUCH) and when I turned my head back…well it didn’t turn back because my earring was caught on my collar. So I had to turn my body so I could see while trying to figure out exactly where the earring was caught. Maybe since they just made mobile devices illegal, they should add earrings to that list too. Or maybe I should get a jacket with no collar. Whatever.

K, I promise to try and post more. And Blah blah blah. Peace out.