Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thankful from my new laptop!

It’s thankful Thursday time!!!! And I am late. Again. But I have a reason this time. I had no viable laptop. I mean, I had my old laptop but I apparently angered it somehow because it had taken to burning the crap out of my lap when I used it and then just shutting off. Also it weighed about as much as a baby elephant (You know, I’m guessing) and required about 20 pounds of cords and external fans just to stay on for a few minutes. Fast forward to my birthday…birthday dollars = NEW LAPTOP!!!! So prepare yourselves for an onslaught of my inner thoughts as I catch up on my blogging. Oh…WARNING: The new laptop has a webcam so be prepared to see me live and in person sometime in the near future.

Thing I’m thankful for #1) Brew pause on my coffee

Um, yeah. It’s the little things. I had this old coffee pot that did not have brew pause and I was always pulling the pot out and holding my cup under there and then taking one drink at a time and then while I was taking the little sips the coffee would still be brewing all over the place and making sizzling noises when it hit the hot plate and then there were perpetually coffee spills everywhere. Then my fabulous husband who is remarkably astute or just slap wore out of me standing by the coffee pot like a raging psycho and practically sticking my head under there purchased a wonderful new coffee pot for me for Christmas. It is twice the size of my old one and has brew pause. I love brew pause. My whole morning is better. Now I only have to wait long enough for it to brew one cup before I snatch it out of there.

Thing I’m thankful for #2) Antibiotics

I had the mother of all sinus infections this week. No seriously. This woman bred and gave birth to all other sinus infections naturally and they were all breech babies who weighed 15 pounds. She is a tough witch. And she chose me! And the 18 surgical pins that hold my face on were not too excited about it either. So they went ahead and swelled up all the delicate tissue that surrounds them and made protective little cocoons for themselves causing me to look like I had been to a bad plastic surgeon in New Jersey somewhere. After about a week of whining and suffering and basically making Luke’s life a ton of fun, I finally went to the doctor where the little pixie woman blessed me with glorious antibiotics and snot relievers. I think that she might actually be somekind of fairy or angel. I am still trying to kick this beast, but now as I lay helplessly in my sick chair surrounded by my sick accoutrements such as tissue and water and my new laptop, I can actually turn my head from side to side without the feeling of passing out or throwing up. God love you, modern medicine.

Thing I am thankful for #3) All my fantastic friends helping me turn 30

Luke organized the best birthday party for me. I will have pictures once I figure out where they are. (As in: Where is the camera? I don’t know? I thought you had it.) He did it all. Private room at a super cool place and friends that we have known no less than 10 years each. Most of whom we have know for closer to 20 years. And they still showed up even after knowing us for all this time. They have been there when we ran around as teenagers and got into trouble, when we went to Sr. prom, lived with us in college, stood up for us at our wedding, partied with us in our 500 square foot apartment , celebrated our babies with us, listened and supported us through death, lost jobs, illnesses, and crazy. We have seen them all from elementary school crushes to getting married to having kids and everywhere in between. It just occurred to me as we were all there together, that we are very lucky to have the same people around us for so long. They know us. And they still stick around.

Thing I am thankful for #4) Luke Cavett. Shut up I know how many times I say this so just shut it.

I have been particularly needy the past couple weeks. What with being sick and having our last day at the church we have been at forever and turning old and having children who for-the-love-of-all-things-holy need to start school immediately because they are bored and cranky and so-help-me if all of us make it to the first day. I haven’t been doing so much in the way of domesticity. I have been doing more in the way of tanning and online shopping and laying in my sick chair. And he still agrees to take care of me. He picked out this stellar new laptop for me and went to the store and bought it and then set it all up. He cleans the house and brings me home Taco Bell. He hangs out by the pool with me and the kids and even turned on Katy Perry and Ke$ha (kesha dollar sign he calls her) stations on Pandora. He is super handsome and athletic and makes me feel pretty when I come home with new dresses and he takes me out places that I can show them off. He laughs at me because I am freaking hilarious and even laughs when my humor becomes seriously disgusting and highly inappropriate. Also, he’s pretty funny. He loves Jersey Shore and The Real World (but I have yet to get him to really enjoy a scary movie or cup of coffee). But mostly, I am so thankful because I have this husband who is completely open and dedicated to the task of making our marriage last for the long haul. Also, he is the only person on God’s green earth who can get away with saying to me “Shut it, woman! Now get in there and make food!”

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lots of odds and ends that I don't have the energy to make into seperate posts because I am terribly lazy and also I am "old" now.

1) I skipped thankful Thursday again because I just did. No excuses. Just didn't get around to it. So I am thankful for all kinds of things. Mainly my awesome husband. Yep. you know you are jealous.

2) I had a birthday this week!! It was amazing. All several days of it! We ate out and partied and hung out with friends who have known us for decades. Thinking of all the inside dirt that that particular group of people has on Luke and me makes me shudder. And they still keep on coming around. But I have stories of my own too.

3) Shortly before my birthday party I developed a raging sinus infection. I still feel like my ears might actually explode if I turn my head just the slightest bit. I can't smell and I can't taste anything. Apparently, my powers of status updating have also been compromised because instead of typing "I have a raging sinus infection" on my facebook, I wrote "I have a raging anus infection" which is totally not the same thing. But I fixed it before anyone saw it.

4) I think our house might be haunted which I am super pumped about. I would like to elaborate on this more soon. But currently I am all kinds of medicated because of my naughty nasal cavity and I don't have the mental prowess to adequately convey the story. But...awesome. This just proves that everyone loves me. Even dead people.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Warning: Do not read if you are bothered by belly buttons. Or mild references to childbirth.

Can you believe that I have been 100% uterus free for almost 3 months?! I know! So figured that it was about time to get back into the Yoga. Because I love Yoga. In case you are new here. Actually, I tried to practice about 6 weeks ago, but it turns out that my newly organless body was not super into yet. I think my reamining organs and muscles might have actually been cursing at me. I wasn’t altogether serene in that moment. I’ve kept up with my breathing and relaxing but I was really ready to get back to the physical practice.

Now, I’m pretty bendy. I’ve always been bendy. But I don’t have very strong arms. As in, I can’t do a push-up. Not one. At all. And no not a girl one either. I jumped right in this time. It had clearly been three months since I had done any physical activity. The goal: plank (like a push-up) to upward facing dog to downward facing dog. The actual event: shaky plank, to kind of partially extended dog to knocking my nose into the floor and making a sound like “Huuuuuuuuuuhmp” For those of you who do not practice Yoga, that noise is not officially part of it.

I fought my way –serenely- through the majority of the practice and finally finally came to my favorite part. The shoulder stands and the plow. Here’s what it looks like…

And now here is what I want you to keep in mind. I have two kids. When I was pregnant I got big. Really big. Like, my doctor put a big red sticker on my chart that said “EXCESSIVE WEIGHT GAIN” big. And he constantly warned me about the health dangers of my enormity. But like a trooper I pushed through and lost the weight. All of it and then some. So my body is not exactly the way that it used to be. Imagine a balloon that has been filled with air and left for weeks. Then you let out all the air. In my case, I filled it all up with babies and placentas and Taco Bell and deflated it, well, you know…

So here I am in shoulder stand. I don’t know why it never occurred to me before, but suddenly I really noticed that crazy belly. Hmmm…it seemed so much wrinklier than before. So I move on over into plow and there it is…my belly button is staring me right in the face. And when I took in a deep breath, it opened up. When I exhaled, it closed up. And then I started hearing it’s voice in my head. Are you getting this? My belly button was talking to me. And then I just couldn’t make it stop. And then I started laughing. Which made my belly button laugh. At me. And then for the rest of the day I was singing that song that goes “I’m coming out. I want the world to know. Got to let it show.” And if you don’t know why, then here is why:

And that was my glorious reintroduction to Yoga.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Thankful Thursturday

So it is that time again…time for Thankful Thursday on Saturday. I guess it is a good thing that I postponed this time because some of the things that I am thankful for didn’t even happen until Friday and Today. That’s how Jesus works, you know. His makes the timing work out really well. He freaks me out with that stuff. Anyhow…thankful for things:

1) supportive people

Yeah, well…you know there was some stuff going down. But holy mother of frick if you guys didn’t jump in and make me feel all warm and fuzzy. And that’s the point really. Everything being about me. (Untwist your panties I was just kidding). Seriously, I am overwhelmed at the positive responses. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy (not to mention money to the therapists, pshychiatrist and pharmacist) learning how to be honest and real. What is “in my heart” is exactly what you see and what you get. I just don’t have the energy to be worrying about what everybody else thinks about me or trying to figure out if they are being honest in return. I got bigger things going on. Like, hello…the new season of Jersey Shore starts next week.

2) my denim jean jacket

For my entire life I have had to roll up sleeves of jackets, shirts, or anything with long sleeves. This is because when you are 6 feet tall you most likely have arms that are proportional to your extra long body. And since I prefer not to look like I shrank all my things in the dryer, I rolled the sleeves up to hide the fact that they are around 4 inches too short. But NOW, the interwebs has provided an astonishing amount of alternatives to looking like I ate one of those growing cakes in Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to the “tall” department at Old Navy (available only on line) I found a brilliant cropped and fitted jean jacket with 35” sleeves! What?! That’s crazy?! A normal sleeve length is only 31”. The elbows are even lower in the jacket to accommodate all aspects of my monkey arms! The jacket is longer in the torso to allow for my extra height! FREAKING GENIUSES! This is my first jacket EVER that fits correctly! Um…I love it. Maybe a little bit in a creepy obsessive way.

3) accidently double dating

Yes. I am married. Yes, I am very very much in love with my husband. Yes, we have been together since we were nerdy 8th grade best friends. This is why I was so surprised to accidently be on a double date not with my husband. Here’s what happened…my dear friend who shall remain nameless to protect her identity wanted to see Eclipse. And I wanted to see Eclipse. We are no where near hard core enough to stand in line and get tickets early and then sit in line to get good seats and then wear Eclipse attire (and you know who you are). So we waited until several weeks after the rush and decided to see it this past weekend.

When we arrived at the movie theater, we bumped into her husband who was out with his friend to see a different movie. Unfortunatley for them, they arrived too late and the show was sold out. They had to wait about an hour and a half until it started again. And unfortunately for us, OUR movie had sold out and we had to wait about an hour and fifteen minutes for the next one. Seriously, Twi-hards? Do you need to see it again? I’ll summarize…smooshed up face vampire is jealous of obscenely hot barely legal werewolf. Squashed nose vampire then spies on pouty girlfriend and disables her car like a freaking psycho so that she won’t go visit beautiful werewolf manchild. Vampire McFlatty Face then cries like a little girl because he can’t give girlfriend what she needs and she’s in danger and she’s cold and I’m-just-gonna-sit-here-and-be-all-weepy-and-broody-and-angry-because-I-have-no-soul-maybe. And then bullies girlfriend into marrying him. And makes “trying to poo but it won’t come out” faces. And some other naughty vampires show up and Captain FlatAbs Mc I-Want-to-Put-My-Mouth-on-Him Werewolf does awesome things. So, really…you don’t need to see it again. But it is a good movie.

Anyhow, back to the dating. Since it was over an hour before anyone’s movie started, the consensus was to go get ice cream. So the four of us pile into one car and head to the gelato place down the street. Thus causing me to accidently find myself on a double date. I told Luke all about when I got home. He wanted to know if we shared popcorn and accidently brushed hands and giggled. Then he wanted to know if my unsuspecting date got to second base because “I’m a sure thing for first”. I love my husband.

4) black nail polish

It’s the little things that make me happy. Something about having my fingers and toes all done up in shiny black polish makes me feel awesome. I’ve just never been a pink or coral or any other sweet little color kind of girl. I like my nail polish black, my hair dark, and my earrings big. You know, after a long week, it’s the little things.

Your turn…

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Conversations with Jesus 2

Me: Hey, Jesus. Can I talk to you about something?

Jesus: You bet. I’m always here.

Me: It’s just been the crappiest couple of weeks. I’m really tired. And I am just so confused. Are you sure you want us to do this?

Jesus: Woman. Honestly.

Me: Seriously. You aren’t just messing with us are you?

Jesus: As fun as that sounds…no I’m not. It’s time for this.

Me: But finding a new church sounds really hard. And scary. And remember that part about how I have OCD and agoraphobia and don’t like to drive and I panic in new places? How’s that gonna look when I freak out in the middle of some new place.

Jesus: It’s going to be OK. Trust me. This is supposed to happen.

Me: I’m having trust issues right now. Anyways, if you want us to find someplace new then why don’t you just tell us where to go?

Jesus: I’ll tell you when you get there.

Me: You are wearing me out.

Jesus: And I am so worth it.

Me: Yeah yeah. OK, so I’m really scared because I won’t know anybody. I hate hate hate meeting new people. What if I’m a weirdo?

Jesus: OK, A, you will be a weirdo. That’s just going to happen. If for no other reason than it entertains me. B, I’m going to be there too, so you’ll know me. Plus, my Father will also be there and you know Him so you’ll know people. Also He gets a kick out of you too.

Me: I guess I didn’t think about it like that. You’re so smart, Jesus.

Jesus: Yeah, well not just anyone can go raising from the dead. Don’t worry. Now, I know that’s hard for you what with the anxiety and all, but really try to let me handle this. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…My Father already knows how this is all going to turn out. And trust me, it’s pretty good. He’s got some neat stuff planned for you guys so long as you don’t do anything stupid like go trying to take care of this your way.

Me: Hey, I wouldn’t ever do anything stupid.

Jesus: Honestly, child. It’s a good thing that I am the Living God because now you are wearing me out.


Jesus: I know there is more so out with it woman.

Me: Man it drives me nuts when you do that. OK OK. So what about the healing part? When will this not feel like hurting?

Jesus: When it’s time.

Me: Not exactly as specific as I’d hoped…

Jesus: When you’ve learned what you need to learn.

Me: Can I maybe get some cliffnotes on that or a hint or something…

Jesus: You’ll get there. Remember that time that I forgave all those guys killing me and everything? So I pretty much know what this feels like. I get it.

Me: Right. So just to clarify…Trust you, it will eventually not feel like hurting, learn my lessons, and You promise that you will let us know when we get to the right place.

Jesus: You have my word.

Me: *sigh* Alright. Let’s do this. I love you. Thanks for, you know, everything…

Jesus: I love you too. And you’re welcome for, you know, everything…

So there it is then. I'm sorry if I have left your phone calls unreturned or your emails unanswered. I've had some stuff to work out first. I'll get all caught up...someday.

Monday, July 12, 2010

What if I had googled cucumber?

I don’t know how to work vegetables.

Seriously. I was a vegetarian for 11 years and I am apparently vegetable illiterate. Maybe these are some new kind of vegetables. Or maybe I was really poor when I was a vegetarian and ate a lot of spaghetti and cereal. Either way, I don’t know how to work vegetables.

Luke brought home a bag of squash. Now he is not ordinarily in the habit of bringing home bags of produce, but this squash was all sitting on the counter at the office of a customer so he bagged it up and brought it home. He didn’t steal the squash or anything, it’s just that apparently the squash was home grown and it was going to go to waste if someone didn’t claim it and nobody in the office wanted it and when Luke came in the guy was all “Yeah I’ll buy uniforms. And have some squash.” So he brought it home. I don’t think any of them knew how to work vegetables either.

First of all, he tells me that it is a bag full of squash. But when I get into the bag there are all kinds of different looking things in there. Like, really really different looking. Like how could these possibly all be the same food? But he’s all “No, for real. It’s ALL squash.” And I’m like “Well this one is skinny and yellow and this one is huge and green and looks like some kind of gourd (I mean as I imagine a gourd to look like) and these other ones look like those little pumpkins from Halloween except albino.” So he goes “Well, I’m just sayin that the guy said it was all squash. Except that. That’s a cucumber.”

Alright. So I let them all sit on the counter for about a week. I kept thinking that maybe I would just suddenly figure them out. I really did not want to have to google “what do I do with a squash if that is in fact what this is.” Eventually I decided to just chop them up and see what was inside. It turns out that that was no help at all. I cut the big green one first. It’s all white in there. Do I eat that part? Can you eat the skins or whatever? Then there are these big seeds. I’m not trying to be the idiot choking down a squash seed if they aren’t actually edible. So I moved onto the little one. I figure this looks a lot more like what I think squash should look like. But there are seeds in this one too! Big white ones. Are these things like tomatoes? Are they going to make fun of me in the ER after they resuscitate me from squash seed injury? By this point, I was too annoyed with the stupid things to even care what was in the white ones. Those are probably the ones with cool crap all in them aren’t they? Is there like confetti and chocolate in there?

Eventually I googled it. I’d already thrown away the pile of dissected vegetable carcass. I was just curious. Google “what do I do with a squash if that is in fact what this is.” The first thing you get is a quote from Ferris Bueller. “The man could squash my nuts into oblivion.” Well thanks google. I didn’t think to cook them with nuts. Or are you telling me that squash is a nut? Then, it offered me a few suggestions to help me differentiate between fruits and vegetables and how to get tweets to remind me to eat healthy. Google, I’m not ready for advanced stuff like figuring out fruit or vegetable. And my favorite; it turns out that squash can be used as a natural male enhancement. So NOW I see why Luke brought me home an entire bag.

I think the moral of the story here is that I should not be trusted with food that doesn’t have instructions on the box. If the next time you come over to my house and I have accidentally served you dandelions or band-aids, just tell me that you love it and then quietly spit it in your napkin. I’ll cover any necessary hospital bills.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Thankful whole mess of Thursdays

I’ve been suspiciously absent from my blog lately. Well, not suspiciously…Crap. Now you think I’m up to something. I mean, maybe I am. Crap. So anyhow…I skipped a couple of thankful Thursdays. Not because I wasn’t thankful but because I’ve just really been stressed. And that’s the whole point of Thankful Thursday. Being all thankful when you’re in a mood. So here I go. Here’s some stuff.

1) My backyard pool

This year we went with the ginormous pool. Like about the biggest pool you can get without actually getting a real in-the-ground pool. So I’ve been spending a lot of time in it. Just laying there. Floating. Sometimes I’m all “Kids! You are splashing me! Quit playing in my pool! Now go inside and watch TV.” The problem is that it requires a ladder to climb into. So now I’m in a small bikini and I’m teetering on top of this ladder that came in a box the size of a pancake and was pieced together by my dear husband. It feels as if it is going to collapse at any second all while I am standing above the fence line for all my neighbors to enjoy. Let me just say that this conversation happened…

Luke: Hey whaddaya think this thing is?
Me: Well, I don’t know. Where did you get it.
Luke: It came in that box with the pool ladder.
Me: Um, it’s a pretty big piece.
Luke: Yeah, well…I just can’t figure out where it goes.
Me: So do you think it’s important for like, safety?
Luke: Well, I don’t know. It looks like an altogether ladder, right?
Me: I guess.
Luke: OK then. Pool ladder, done.

2) Redbox

Yeah, shut up, I love TV and movies and my brain is going to rot and my kids are going to have ADD and whatever but I like movies and TV and I’m very smart and well spoken and like 60-70% functional in everyday life so just shut up and let me have this one thing that I like that I know is bad for me besides the DP and the coffee. Whatever.

3) My man

Just this week; he took the kids camping so I could have alone time, he took me out to eat like 4 times, he sold lots of accounts because I’m always spending his money, he didn’t complain when I let the laundry pile up everywhere because I’ve been all “clinically depressed” and blah blah blah, he stood up for me as an equal member of our team and never left me out to dry or struggling alone. We’re a team. Except when we play Guerilla Bathroom Ninja. Then it’s every man for himself.

4) My blog

Chances are that I’ve surprised you, annoyed you, irritated you, made you bored, made you throw up in your mouth a little, or possibly caused you mental images of my body parts. You are welcome. And I’m still gonna be here. Come all the changes that are coming our way soon, I’ll be here. Over sharing. And entertaining myself. And avoiding housework. Thanks, blog.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Fun at the Library

I’ve been trying to get out of my house a little this summer. I’ve been trying to take my kids places and whatnot so that I am not totally tempted to slip backwards into a homebound state. As an agoraphobic with OCD, I think I’ve been kicking serious butt if you ask me. So I decided to take my kids to the library.

2 years ago I couldn’t go to the library by myself. I only ever went with Luke and even then I didn’t go frequently. The pervasive quietness of the library makes me feel like everyone can hear everything I am thinking. I only just got a library card a few weeks ago when Luke took us all there. But now that I’m all medicated and empowered, I picked right up, grabbed my new card and headed to the library. The kids love playing on the computers and working the puzzles and I wanted some books to read while tanning. It was going to be easy and peaceful. Except that I don’t ever do things that are easy and peaceful.

The library opens up with a big tiled lobby with pop machines and doors to the conference rooms. As soon as we entered the lobby we were met by two groups of adults screaming at one another. Perhaps I should have consulted my magic 8 ball or employed some common sense and turned around and left. But I continued on. Group A was comprised of several lovely women one of whom was dripping wet. They were screaming “Assault! Assault!”. Group B consisted of several men in various cutoff jean shorts (henceforth known as “jorts”), sleeveless T’s, and Skoal cans. They were attempting to leave the building only to be blocked by me and my unsuspecting children. So instead, Group B turned back around and headed into the library. Well, most of them did. The straggler in the group was caught by the Queen Bee of Group A who grabbed his arm and proceeded to demonstrate to him exactly how his friend assaulted her friend.

OK, so now everybody heads into the main body of the library and scatters into all different directions. Meanwhile, the staff has called the police and my kids are wondering why the grown-ups are being so loud in the library because you are supposed to be quiet. I patiently explain that sometimes grown-ups are idiots except for me because I am never an idiot and that they are to go directly to the computers and do not move until I tell them to. I planted them in front of the screens and found a good spot to watch the rest of the drama.

It turns out that there was some sort of custody dispute and dad had showed up with a posse when he wasn’t supposed to. This resulted in grabbing, pushing, pulling, and ultimately knocking over some random kid and someone throwing an entire cup of water all over someone else. But good news everyone…the jorts survived.

I’m so glad that I have medication. Otherwise I would never go out in public.