Monday, December 28, 2009

Maybe next time I'll add bridesmaids.

8 years ago I got married! I didn't really do it by myself, I mean, Luke was there too. So really 8 years ago WE got married. To each other. Not other people. Anyhow...

You know when you search and you search for the perfect wedding dress and then you find it and you spend weeks or maybe months waiting to put it on? Then you have it altered and pressed and maybe it is hanging in your closet or at your parents' house and you just go in there and look at it like 44 times per day to make sure that it still looks all beautiful and clean and pressed and you can't wait to put it on.

Then Wedding day comes and you finally put the dress on and you wear it for like...maybe 6 hours. That's it. All that money, time, and dress worship to wear the dress for a few hours. And it sucks having to take it off too. You just kind of linger around with it until it final comes off and goes back into its bag or goes off the the preservationist or wherever it's new home will be.

My dress found it's final resting place in my closet. I see it everyday when I pick out clothes. It has occured to me that there is no logical reason NOT to get more use out of my wedding dress. So here are a few documentations of things that I my wedding dress:

The first thing I had to do was find exactly the right kicks to go with my dress. I always hated the shoes that I wore on our actual wedding day, so this was my chance to make that right.

All Ready!

I needed some coffee.                                                     Also I needed to fix the fireplace.

And when you are fixing a fireplace you always need a hatchet on
hand. I had some serious hatcheting to do

Then there were dishes to be done and dinner to be cooked. I'm a good wife like that.

After dinner is Yoga. Because wedding dresses are perfect for downward facing dog and sun salutations.

I always make time to crochet and get in a little studying. Of course how could I do that without my Snuggie!?

Don't be fooled. I am really awesome at this game.

Yeah, I don't really know about these jokers...

Every bride knows that you always must be ready for the red carpet. I was just practicing a few of my moves.

The Wedding dress fun had to come to an end for now. But I am taking suggestions for "Fun with a Wedding Dress Volume 2"

Cavett Quotes of the Week

Today started out with my dear children watching Oswald. Oswald is some sort of octopus or walrus or something with the voice of Fred Savage. I am pretty sure that today's Oswald episode was a serious attempt by the writers of Oswald to actually kill me. How, you ask? Becuase the writers of Oswald decided that today is "Big Banana Day" Here are some of the highlights:
"What a great big banana you have Oswald."
"Would you like to hold my big banana?"
"I've never seen such a big banana."
"Thank you. I'm very proud of my big banana."
"Where should I put my big banana?"
"Put your big banana in here Oswald."


Here are a few other gems that made their way through the Cavett household over the last few days.
"I think I might be Buddhist. I'm not sure."
"Don't rub yourself on people. Especially strangers."
"My life was a lot easier when your leg used to be a pole."
"Are you seriously lost? Don't you have 2 iPhones with Google maps, a navigation system and you used to live here?"

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm still waiting for my Christmas hatchet. That will make sense later.

So Christmas has come and gone and I am only just now starting to create a normal, peaceful atmosphere. I have found my center and balanced my Qi and started to come down off of the anti-anxiety medication high. There are many highlights and lowlights. People with anxiety disorder have lots of lowlights during stressful, busy times such as these. Plus I’m not really a fa-la-la-la-la type of chick. I’m more of a giggle-when-they-say-ox-and-ass kind of girl. I’ll save the lowlights for sometime when I’m all serious and introspective. Right now, I’ll give you the highlights.

What are those things that everybody was going nuts for this year? The Ju-ji pet hamster or the zhu zhu fruit hamster or whatever? Anyway, it’s this little creepy hamster that runs around and makes noises and is all soft and cuddly like a real hamster only it doesn’t crap on my floor and carry diseases. We haven’t been actively trying to find one or anything. I’m not trying to stand in line in the middle of the night only to get mauled trying to get one. But, on Christmas Eve Luke was wandering around Wal-mart like any self-respecting person would do on Christmas Eve in a blizzard (an actual blizzard. Check the stats) and looked down on a shelf somewhere in the hardware or something and saw two little je-ju pet hamster just sitting there. So he totally grabbed them up because they are supposed to be impossible to get and there they were next to hammers and paint. I seriously tried to convince him to put them on Ebay because people were paying like 50 bucks each, but he wanted to actual give Christmas gifts to our kids and not profit off their gifts. The next day when Grace opened her highly sought after zu-lu hamster, she stared at it blankly for a moment and then in her best I’m-pretending-I-love-this voice she said, “Oh look…a…beaver.” Some day she’ll get it.

We bought our kids these make at home Build-a-Bears. Here’s a little warning: these are not so much fun craft projects for the kids to make and keep, but more like obligatory craft projects that frustrated parents must sew, iron, glue, stuff, sew more, and dress. All while your kids go “Are you done yet? Can’t you hurry? I changed my mind. I don’t even really want to play with my Build-a-bear right now.”

Our kids got little toys in their stockings that poop out jelly beans. Anything that poops is always a big hit.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Robison and the Cavetts have an adventure Part 2

We hit the road with a full tank of gas and a full box of tampons. We were good to go. Now we just needed to know where we were going. I had tried calling Luke a few times but was having trouble getting an answer. I found out later that this was due to the fact that his eyes were literally swollen shut to the point of blindness and he actually couldn’t work the phone. The iPhone is all well and good until you go blind and then it’s pretty much worthless. Apparently Steve Jobs hates blind people. He had been madly swiping his finger across what he thought was the screen with no luck, but he did manage to call his office 3 times.

Finally, I got him on the phone despite the touch and go reception of crazy-in-the-country Oklahoma and learned that we needed to head to the ER in Cushing. He started his day in Drumright, Oklahoma so why was he not taken to the ER in Drumright? Oh that’s right…because it was freaking closed.

Our drive was relatively uneventful save for the bacon truck that almost ran us off the road. Of all the trucks in all the world, a bacon truck tries to get us while we are going to rescue Luke. It’s like the bacon knew we were headed to Luke and wanted to go with us. Also, we learned that Cushing is the “Pipeline crossroads of the world”. Of the world, people. This is exciting. One less thing on my bucket list.

Finally at the Cushing ER. I mentally noted the Taco Mayo on our way into town because this crap definetly deserved a burrito. We headed in and discovered that apparently this place is self-service given that there was not a single person anywhere. Although this shouldn’t have come as a surprise as I had called my sister the ICU nurse earlier to tell her we were headed to the hospital to meet Luke and she said “A rural hospital? Luke is in a rural hospital? Get him out of there as fast as you can.” So we wound our way around the cafeteria (read: 4 tables and some chairs) which led through to the ER.

The customer that Luke had been meeting with had sent one of his employees to the hospital with him and that poor guy was still there in the waiting room. He asked me if I was there for Christopher. I got all confused for a second before I realized that my husband’s name is Christopher and I probably just looked like a total crazy person because I don’t even know my own husband’s name. Yes. Yes, in fact I am here to see Christopher. I am his wife. I am Christopher’s wife. Nothing weird about this at all.

I discovered as I went to the nurses’ station why we hadn’t seen another soul up until now. They were all in the ER. Room 1 to be exact. Quietly peeking around the curtains and looking around from behind corners. It was a big night in the Cushing ER. Some crazy city boy had come in with swollen shut eyes and he was sitting in Room 1 waiting for his wife while he sported seriously awesome eye patches on each eye. Big taped on eye patches on each eye rendering him effectively useless and creating a bored, blind mess of a man who had been trying to entertain himself for the past few hours.

I think that this would be a good time to back up and fill in the story of what was happening on Luke’s end of this little story…

Luke started this little trip to Drumright with eyeballs that were already causing quite a bit of pain and turning a lovely shade of crimson. I offered to take him to a doctor, but you know how that turned out. At the halfway point, he pulled into a gas station because his eyes were involuntarily closing. Also the bright red coloring had begun to expand across his face kind of like a creepy Hamburgerlar mask. When I spoke to him on the phone at this point I kindly suggested that he turn around and come back. This is female logic. This is ineffective to the male psyche. Male logic dictates that “Well, since I am already half way there and I can’t see whether I head back home or to the appointment, I’ll just go the rest of the way.” So he did. He drove the rest of the way to the appointment while using one hand to pry his eye open and the other hand to drive.

When he walked into the appointment, man code dictated that none of the men there should say anything about his puffy red face. He did the entire appointment while holding his eyes open with his hands, because at this point they had completely swelled into big useless puff balls. The best part here: He sold the dang account! As he told me later “Woman, I don’t even need eyes to bring in the money”.

Finally, finally, finally, the customer found the common sense to offer to take Luke to the hospital. He must have really been looking terrible at this point. And I know that he felt terrible because he actually agreed to let the guy take him to the ER. Once at the ER, the poor guy had to get my man inside and to a doctor. Then came the treatment.

Once they had pried his contacts out of the slits that were his eyes, the doctor decided to irrigate his eyes to flush away debris and infection. This required attaching suction cups to his already extremely sensitive eyeballs. He had some choice words for the ER staff as they wrangled him into this thing. Then they turned on the saline, which ran into his eyes and then out down his face. No blinking, no eye rubbing, no stopping until all of the saline has washed through. At one point he asked them if he was almost done. When they told him he wasn’t even close, he cursed some more which is apparently very endearing because all of the ER nurses thought that this was just the cutest thing ever. And I guess some silly boy from the city in his suit being completely helpless is a little bit funny. It’s a lot funny.

After the torture wash, he got the patches. It was still another hour or more before our little rescue party was going to get there. He had a TV in his room so he decided to try that. However, he had on the patches. He banged around until he found a remote attached to the bed and after accidentally calling the nurse a few times, he managed to turn on the TV. It was on the Spanish channel. He banged around some more trying to change the channel and finally gave up and listened to Spanish TV for a while.

When I finally got to him, he was patched up, red in the face, cranky, and I think he knew a few curses in Spanish. I put his shoes back on his feet and stood him up after the nurse gave us the go ahead to check out. You would think that since his eyes were patched closed, he would give me a little more control over leading him around. I had to forcibly stop him from walking straight into walls multiple times.

Me: Just hold still until I can help you.
Luke: Just point me to the door.
Me: I did point you to the door and you walked off in the wrong direction as soon as I let go.
Luke: I’m just afraid you’re going to let me smash into something because you aren’t watching me.
Me: Well, I’m gonna do that now because it sounds totally funny.
Luke: You suck.

The solution was to put him behind me and let him wrap his arms around my waist. That way he wouldn’t walk into anything and wouldn’t wander off. He was not at all pleased about the degree of his helplessness. All of the ladies in the ER took this opportunity to peek around from every available corner to check out the spectacle which was cranky Luke trying to get out of the ER.

When we finally got him into the car, we still had to go all the way back to Drumright to pick up his car. We pointed out pretty Christmas lights all the way there. He didn’t think that was amusing. We reunited with his car and divided up into two teams. Erin and I in her car (because I don’t drive) and Luke and Brian in Luke’s car. We were in the country, and by country I mean the country. Luke was sure he knew how to get us out of there.

Luke: Go back over to this highway
Me: Baby you are pointing at a building.
Luke: No go back to the place where you turned left.
Me: OK, still the building.
Luke: Grrrrrr!!

Thankfully, Google maps has a special “way out in the middle of nowhere” satellite and actually located us. It did appear that we were driving around in the middle of a field, but at least Google could see us. I gave Google instructions to take us back to Taco Mayo because this was a situation that definitely called for Taco Mayo. Although, I ha no idea how our man Stevie Wonder in the other car was going to manage to eat a taco while blind. I’ll tell you how he did it…he took off the dang patches. Against the doctor’s instructions! Because as he told me earlier that day…”Woman, my eyes aren’t actually melting”.

So, we managed to safely transport Luke back to the safety of our house and bed. He sat around in the dark for the next day or two and used his eye drops like he was supposed to. I kept my “I told you so” to myself for a little while.

Leave it to the Cavetts to make everything much more complicated than it needs to be. Just be sure you are really ready before you answer a call from one of us.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thankful Thursday. A little bit

Today I am thankful that I am done teaching lessons for the semester. I am thankful that tomorrow some of my students will get the chance to play and sing for each other. I am thankful that it is one day closer to being done with Christmas and onto our anniversary night away.

I am thankful that Luke can see and that the infection didn’t permanently damage his brain or anything. You never know with him.

I am thankful for Nyquil and Tylenol PM which have seen me through the last several nights although not at the same time because I am not that stupid. Also I am thankful for Grape-Nuts which is the best cereal in the whole world and pretty much all I care to eat recently. Maybe I should get that checked out or something. Or maybe there are drugs in them. Either way; Grape-Nuts have nutrients so…win-win.

I am thankful that I get to go to sleep early tonight. Just as soon as I finish writing the next part of the story…

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Cavetts and the Robisons have an adventure: Part 1

Today my husband called me to tell me he was about to drive to Drumright. I flipped out right away. Drumright is about 90 minutes away from here and definitely out in the country. But the rural location was not my concern. My reaction was due to the fact that exactly one week ago at the exact same time, he called to tell me he was headed to Drumright. What happened next involved the emergency room, a bacon truck, tampons, eye patches and burritos. So I wasn’t super pumped about starting the whole thing over.

One week ago:

You know how I have a compulsion where I have negative thoughts that need to be cleared and then once they are cleared I need to call Luke repeatedly until he answers to make sure that my negative thoughts didn’t cause him harm? Remember how that obsession/compulsion cycle used to involve hours and hours of my day and resulted in 40, 50, or more calls to Luke in a day? Well, I have been working really really hard to dramatically reduce the amount of time spent in this cycle. Thanks to medicine and hard work, I have actually been able to bring the episodes down to once or twice a week, and then I can go about 10 minutes between calls. This is a BIG deal. This progress survives because I am able to tell myself that negative thoughts do not create catastrophe and if Luke doesn’t answer his phone it doesn’t mean something is wrong.

So when he told me that he was headed to Drumright, I did my breathing and tried to control the thought clearing. Then he started complaining about his eyes hurting. He said that the sun was so bright it was painful. I suggested ever so kindly that he should cancel the appointment and let me take him to the eye doctor. He ever so kindly responded that he wasn’t going to any eye doctor because his eyes weren’t melting or anything, woman.

45 minutes after he left, I called him (because I had waited way longer than the time limit) and he was stopped at a gas station. Why, you may ask? Because his eyes had started to swell and he was having trouble keeping them open. OK, so NOW can you turn around and come home so I can take you to the doctor? Of course not because as noted previously, his eyes are not actually in flames or bleeding or hanging from the sockets. So off he went as my anxiety took a dramatic upswing. It was honestly all I could do to keep myself out of the obsession/compulsion cycle.

I went to my therapy session, drove thru Sonic Happy Hour and picked up my kids before I called him back again to check on him. By this point he should have been on his way back from the appointment and I just wanted to make sure he was seeing OK and not having trouble getting back (because I fully intended to drag his sorry eyeballs to the doctor as soon as he walked through the door.) Only he didn’t answer. I took a deep breath and cleared a few visions and waited 10 minutes and called again. And he didn’t answer. So that was when I decided screw the dang therapy and I started calling him repeatedly while ritualistically clearing visions.

Finally he picked up the phone and before he could even speak I said “Oh thank God you are OK. You know you can’t NOT answer your phone because I was starting to have a panic attack. You have to answer so that I know you are alright. You are alright aren’t you?”


“Don’t ‘well’ me. You hurt yourself didn’t you? You had a wreck? You’re in the hospital? Holy crap Luke I can’t handle this. Are you trying to kill me?!! Please tell me you still have eyeballs.”

“Well…The good news is that I am not in the hospital. The bad news is that I am on the way to the ER. My eyes have swelled shut and my customer is driving me to the ER in Cushing.”

“The FRICK?! Cushing?! Where the heck is that?!

“I’m fine. I think we are there. I have to go.” And he hung up on me!

Well, holy freaking crap my negative visions have finally hurt my husband and not only that, he is a full hour and a half away from me in the country and I can’t even get there because that would require driving on the turnpike plus I am now having a panic attack and I don’t even have my meds with me. There’s about 11 months of CBT down the drain.

Once I got my brain together, I called my good friend Erin. She is aware of all of the crazy and pretty much knows that whenever a Cavett calls, you really can’t anticipate what might be asked of you yet she usually answers the phone anyway. Most of the time. I called her to see if she could either keep my kids or ride with me to go pick up my blind and crazy husband from God-knows-where, Oklahoma.

Erin: Hello?

Me: Luke is in the ER! In Cushing! And I don’t even know where that is!!

Erin: OK…what?

Me: I am going to drive to Cushing because Luke is in the hospital. I don’t know if he is allergic to something or what. I need to leave my kids somewhere because I don’t want to take them. Can you keep my kids? Or go with me to Cushing? Oh crap, we are going to have to get his car because that boy is NOT driving again EVER.

Erin: But you don’t drive.

Me: I know but I have to.

Erin: How about I go with you and I’ll get Brian to go too.

Me: No no you don’t have to…OK sounds great. (I totally need help driving but I like to pretend that I can drive places.)

Erin: OK, meet me at my house.

I managed to stash the kids at Luke’s sister’s house and I headed straight to Erin’s. Except then I remembered that I needed to go to the store. Because I only had 2 tampons in my purse. And that could be a major problem. I wasn’t sure if they even had tampons in the country. Maybe they just use goat skin or something. I wasn’t prepared for that.

I dashed into the store and grabbed my box. I also decided to get some saline solution for contacts. This is because Luke and I both wear contacts and we had been out of saline for a couple days. I remembered as I was pondering all the various reasons that Luke’s eyes may be swelled shut, that he mentioned he had rinsed his contacts with nasal spray a few days before since we had no saline. Nasal spray. So he could possibly have contracted some sort of flesh eating disease from the contaminated tip of the spray and it was my fault for not remembering to buy freaking saline solution! Since I was there, I grabbed some.

I was forced to stand in line at Wal-mart while my husband lay abandoned in a rural hospital thanks to the curse of mother nature and poor planning. I thought about asking the person in front of me if I could just sneak on through since my husband was in the ER with flesh eating bacteria, but then realized that they would probably just be all “Well then why are you at the Wal-mart and not driving to go get him? Did you really stop at the Wal-Mart while your husband lay in need?! You are a foul woman!” and then I would be like “It’s not my fault that I got my period and I can’t even drive there anyways so shut your stupid face!” So I just waited patiently.

This was when the man in front of me decided to fire up a little chat and everyone knows how much I just love small talk with strangers. I truly believed that he must be some kind of social experiment designed to reinforce preconceived stereotypes that Okies have about people from the Bronx or Manhattan or some kind of Yankee area like that. He was huge and loud and had the thickest accent I have ever heard outside of Rocky movie.

Him (imagine this with a heavy New York accent. I do a really good one but unfortunately you can’t hear it when I type): Hey, you know I comes to the store to gets one thing for my grandson and I ends up spending 80 dollars on credit you know.

Me: That’s a real bummer.

Him: It’s OK though because I get to talk with all the peoples in the store you know. I just love to talk with the peoples.

Me: Yeeeeeep.

Clerk: Sir did you realize that this box of pound cake from the bakery is already opened? Do you want another one?

Him: Hey! No problem! Fuhgiddaboudit! Like I needs more cake you know what I’m saying sweetie (as he patted his ginormous belly)

Me: Yep.

This went on for quite sometime as he apparently had been starved for human contact and needed to do approximately 2 years worth of cliché New York-y type phrases to make up for lost time. Honestly sir, I’m not buying the box of tampons right now because I need them for next week. Let’s move along. I’ve got a husband to save.

Finally, I made it to the Robisons’ and we were on the road. To the gas station. Because item #1 on the list of Things You Need to Have Ready Before You Ever Answer the Phone When A Cavett Calls You is a full tank of gas. Usually, if I call you it will involve you taking me somewhere or picking me up from somewhere or picking up my blind husband. So always have a full tank of gas.

On the road at last and Meanwhile in the ER...


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tuesday's with Chuck E.

It was a regular Friday night at CEC and we were all ready to start shutting down so we could get some sleep before starting all over in the morning. Technically we closed at 11:00pm, but some brilliant suit somewhere decided that if anyone comes through the door all the way up to 10:59pm, we are to give them one hour of “Chuck E. time” before we were allowed to start giving them hints to leave like shutting off all the lights and vacuuming under their feet.

Of course, at around 10:58, they all started piling through the door. There were approximately 10 or 12 full grown adults and only 2 little girls. What was really unusual was the amount of presents they had. I thought “Wow. What a lucky kid for getting all of those presents.” Foreshadowing: Whenever 12 adults walk through the doors of CEC 2 minutes before closing time with absurd amounts of gifts, that is not necessarily the luckiest little girl.

Once they spread all their crap out all over the entire dining area (because keeping the mess confined to a few tables would have been too easy), they started ripping into the gifts. No, the little girl and her friend were not opening the gifts; they had run off to play. The adults were tearing into the “gifts”. As it turns out, the “gifts” were boxes of KFC chicken, biscuits, potatoes etc. They saved the best “gifts” for last though because the last few packages contained about 4 bottles of freaking Jack Daniels.

So get a visual on this…grown adults went to KFC and to the liquor store, stopped and took the time to wrap up the chicken and liquor in decorative children’s birthday wrapping paper and then decided “Hey Chuck E Cheese closes in 2 minutes, let’s go there.” Awesome.

They were plastered in approximately 3.4 minutes which left about 56.6 minutes of “Chuck E. time” for us to put up with them. After nearly an hour of drunken skee-ball, belligerent arguing over who really won Bozo’s grand prize game, and an effective trashing of the entire store, we decided that Chuck E. time was over. In what may not have been the best way of letting them know that their welcome had expired, one of us was elected to flip all of the breakers and kill power to all of the games, show, and lights. Um…we know NOW that that there may have been better choices, but you live you learn.

So there we all were in the dark with loud drunken crazy people in the middle of the night at a kids’ restaurant. Perfect. I’m not sure how many seconds it took before they all began cursing and threatening bodily harm, but let me assure you that it was just seconds. I’m not an idiot so I retreated to the kitchen to watch the whole scene from the pizza window. It was much more entertaining from the safety of the other side of the hot plate.

After an attempt by our fearless leader to rationally and calmly ask them to get the flip out of the store and never come back failed spectacularly (and if I remember correctly ended with allegations of racism and threats of effing up certain body parts), one of our co-workers with a flair for colorful language decided to try and give it a try. It went something like this:

Co-worker with impressive ability to curse: What the **** do y’all think y’all are doing up in here? You can’t come all up in ****ing Chuck E. Cheese acting like ****ing fools. You need to cut this **** out right now and get the **** out of here. This is just foolish. Y’all get your stuff and ****ing move on.

Or something like that. It was quite a bit longer. They were a little taken aback by her initial ability to speak to them in their own profanity based language and therefore quieted down for a brief moment giving the small crowd of employees peering through the window a glimmer of hope that they may be leaving soon. But, the massive amounts of Jack Daniels coupled with the Colonel ‘s secret blend of spicing (which I’m assuming also included speed) gave them the idea that their behavior was entirely acceptable and in fact, they wanted to stay another hour or two. Darn us for providing such a fun and magical time where kids can be kids.

I took the initiative to do what probably should have been done from the beginning but I was kind of enjoying the show from my safe little window. I picked up the phone and I called the police.

Me: Hey, I think we need some police here. We have some drunk folks pitching a big ole fit and they have children with them and they are getting pretty combative.
911: Are you calling from Chuck E. Cheese’s?
Me: Yep.
911: But it’s the middle of the night.
Me: Yeah. That’s kinda why we need the police to help us.
911: So they are drunk at Chuck E. Cheese’s?
Me: And also cursing and threatening to kick all of our ***es.
911: Wow. I thought that was a kid’s place.
Me: Yeah, well apparently you’ve never actually been here.
911: They are on the way.

That pretty much took care of it. Once they saw the lights, they bolted. They left us with only a monstrous mess, the strong smell of Jack Daniels, and piles of chicken bones to remember them by.

Chuck E. Cheese’s: Where drunk people can almost forget to take their kids home with them when the cops show up.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Please don't hate me because I have been keeping all of these crazy stories to myself. I have been crafting the perfect way to tell them. Also, I have now been to Drumright, Cushing and Crescent Oklahoma all in one week.

I am a terrible blogger.

I am not in any way caught up on writing about all of the things that have happened in the last week.  (or 2 weeks).

We had adventures.

We had rural hospital emergancy rooms.

I heard a guy use the phrase "fuggidaboudit".  And he was totally serious.  And had like 3 teeth.

Also, I have devised a list of things you need to have on hand before you ever decide to answer the phone when a Cavett calls you.

There is a story about a man and woman in my head who narrate my life like a golf tournament.

There are still stories to be told about CEC.

There are many many things to be thankful for.

But for now...I am going to bed.  Stories will be told tomorrow.  Until then...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Things that happened this week

Sensitivity Training

The Today Show was about to feature a story about this couple who had been in this fiery plane crash and survived. It was supposed to be all persevere-through-the-hard-times-and-everything-will-be-great-even-if-your-face-is-all-burned-up. So that was my concern; the face that this woman’s face was all burned up. I thought that Lily might get scared or not understand why she looks that way or whatever. Of course, Lily wanders through the room right when the lady is up close and personal on the flat screen. She walks right to the middle of the TV, points and goes…

Ha ha! Look at her face!

At least she can mock in a succinct manner.

The bird in the tree
In the car on the way home from school:
Grace: Mom, guess what I learned.
Me: I don’t like guessing. Just tell me already.
Grace: I learned that the peckerwood bird pecks the peckerwood tree. It has hard wood. And when it’s done, it puts it’s nuts in there.

Seriously child; are you trying to make me drive off the side of the road? You can’t do that kinda stuff to me without fair warning.

As long as you don’t eat it
About an hour after bed time, Lily wanders through the living room. She is definitely not supposed to do that, so Luke started to get after her.
Luke: What do you think you are doing out of bed?
Lily: I’m just throwing away my booger.
Luke: OK. Carry on then.

Honestly, I just walked into a door. I’m really clumsy.
Of course I was in a big hurry to walk out the door because Luke was already waiting in the car. I was hastily putting on just a little bit of make-up as so not to end up on the people of wal-mart. I grabbed my big blush brush and ran it over the light pick make-up. I spread it all over my check before I realized that it was no longer bright pink but instead a nice dark shade of bluish-blackish-purple. One of my dear children had apparently used that particular brush to apply navy, black, and purple eye shadows. And now I must defend my husband against domestic violence charges.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I promise that I get thankful eventually so just keep reading

The other night Luke and I were watching the new season of Scrubs. I think that it is totally weird to have a series finale and then bring back the series but I guess since all the professional athletes fake retire at least once, it must be the cool kid thing to do. So anyway, we were watching and Luke says “I like that new blonde haired girl. She’s a total smartass, cynical, dark, sarcastic, and generally messed up girl. It’s really funny. She’s pretty much exactly you.”

My response…”Wow. Really?”

He was all “No, I mean it in a good way. Like how she has a really dark outlook on stuff and is so sarcastic and awesome.”

“So basically you love me because I am dark, mean, cynical, and pretty much a drain on perky optimism all over the planet.”

“Yes, exactly”

“Well, as long as we are on the same page.”

I mean I like to make fun of people as much as the next guy, especially if you do something really stupid because honestly you are just asking for it then, but I didn’t realize that I was like this harbinger of acidic wit and pithy vitriol. Was anyone else aware of this?

All this leads me to my actual point which is why haven’t I written or posted anything in an entire week. This is because “Holiday Cheer” wears the crap clean out of me. Air quote the fire outta that phrase to replicate the appropriate level of disdain for “Holiday Cheer”. I’m not super into all this cheery up-with-people stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I like people (most of the time) and I love my family (most of the time) and I really love online shopping (all of the time) but I cannot wait for all this mess to be over. Facebook is wearing me out with the chipper Christmas carol quote updates and the “I’m eating Christmas cookies and decorating the tree and listening to Christmas songs!” and “So and so LOVES the most wonderful time of the year!” and “I’m eating so much yummy food and drinking super yummy eggnog and wrapping super duper gifts by a warm cuddly cozy fire while chaining popcorn and wearing my Rudolph sweater. Yay!!” You guys need to cool it with that crap. You are making my head hurt.

Also, with the Christmas commercials…I’m SO over it. Dancing and singing and santas and elves and candy and sickeningly sweet jewelry spots and seriously what is the deal with that weirdo coffee commercial where the girl is like 18 and her brother comes home from the peace corps or something and I swear she is going to make out with him. It’s very borderline incest. Also I am not buying anyone a new BMW or Lexus for Christmas so why are you advertising to me? That’s like saying “Hey here’s an eighty thousand dollar gift. Oh, no don’t worry about it. I LOVE the umbrella that you got me. It even has a case. A CASE!” Either that or “Merry Christmas! I got you a $750 a month commitment for 60 months! You’re welcome.”

So with all the emotionally, physically, and mentally draining merriment going on all about my vicinity, it is really taking a lot for me to stay motivated and thankful. This is honestly a day to day process until about January 3rd. So…here are some things that I DO like today.

• Fires in the fireplace

Winter is my excuse to exercise my inner pyromaniac. I have already burned almost an entire rick of wood this season and it is only December. I pretty much keep a fire running all day everyday.

• Cuddly time with my husband and dog although usually not at the same time

I like to squish my way onto the couch when Luke is all stretched out. I can force him into an uncomfortable position in about 20 seconds, but I refuse to move. So we cuddle up until one of our arms or legs falls asleep or until we are just too sweaty because the fire has caused the room temperature to be somewhere around 90 degrees. Eventually he gets up and moves which is cool because I’ve had my fill of cuddling, and Pete the wonderdog seizes the opportunity to squish his way onto the couch. I have a feeling that they cuddle together when I’m not looking, but for now Luke is maintaining that the dog “stinks” and “is worthless”

• Stupid cold weather, snow, ice or the threat thereof

I love the cold weather and the gray skies and the black leather coats and the sun going down at 5pm. I always secretly hope that the ice and snow gets us. Then I have an actual excuse to burn a fire. Although the one time that we actually lost our power for 20 hours due to ice, I had used up the last of the firewood the day before.

• The first part of A Christmas Carol

Um, hello that book and movie is cool. Right up until the Tiny Tim corniness and the happy shiny Scrooge. Seriously I LOVE the ghosts. I love the chains and the haunting and the grossly exaggerated heartlessness of Scrooge. I love that he is such a toolbag that he doesn’t even care about the kid with crutches. Awesome. The only thing that could make it better is if at the end he grabbed the kid’s crutch and knocked him over the head with it. I love that crazy old fart.

• Scary books/movies etc

It gets dark around lunch time so I have used the time to catch up on all the scary entertainment that I can find. I am the worst about watching scary stuff alone at night (with the fireplace going of course). It makes me totally nuts. It’s fabulous. Yesterday Luke was working on the computer while I watched this movie about people that die after they get phone calls from the future...from themselves. Awesome! He looked up right at the exact moment a crazy demon baby was sitting in a crib playing with a fiery cell phone. He’s still cursing me for putting the image in his head.

• My crazy kids

Dang it if these children didn’t love all this November-December stuff. I have already received about 14 tons of paper turkeys, santa hats, Mayflowers, Baby Jesus’, angels, Christmas tree chains, and Christmas countdown projects. They have their very own tree that gets re-decorated about 8 times per day. They have already made Christmas cookies and hung wreathes (Yes I actually did it with them with a smile on my face thank you very much). They have been celebrating Jesus’ birthday with all the same excitement as their own birthdays. They love this stuff and I let them love it.

• My crazy man

Holy crap he loves all this stuff too. He gets about as pumped up as they do. Also, how can you NOT love a guy who calls you a smartass and means it as a compliment? That’s awesome.

• A night away for our anniversary

Our anniversary is 4 days after Christmas. Instead of gifts, we usually take one night away sometime during that week. It is glorious. Everyone else’s Christmas calendars end on the 25th. Mine counts down to the day we leave.

Happy Christmas and have a great Thankful Thursday!