Monday, August 31, 2009

When people say "I have a little touch of OCD" it just wears me out because honestly you have no idea

I watched this video today about kids with OCD. Teenagers mostly. It followed these kids for a year and documented their CBT. I only had one thought while I was watching this documentary.


I make it funny and I make it approachable, but it is so hard. Watching these kids deal with it is so close to home that I almost turned it off several times. The hardest part about this documentary for me was how they all got better. They have so much resolve and so much courage and so much tenacity. They fought so hard. They live better lives.

If you haven’t been able to read between the lines lately, I have relapsed. Maybe relapsed isn’t the right word. I have been climbing a really slippery slope and I lost my footing and slide back down a ways. I have accidentally sat on the remote and hit rewind. I have…replaced old obsessions and compulsions with new ones. Mean old challenging compulsions that make me long for the days of checking the stove knobs (which I still do, just not as much) OCD is a deceptive little lady and she doesn’t let go without a fight. I’m runnin’ out of fight here folks. I need one of those little booths at the marathon where they pour the water on your head and you spit on the ground.

I need to spit out some water on the ground. Any volunteers to dump water on my head when I run by?

But just to end things on a lighter note:Grace is really reading! You know how I know? She read a curse word in graffiti off of the stop sign.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The song I needed to hear this morning

"You make everything glorious, and I am Yours. What does that make me?"

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thankful Thursday and also post number 88 which is a beautiful and perfect number

What’s this?! Thankful Thursday on a THURSDAY?! Have I entered some sort of time warp? Actually, I have been sitting at the computer all day anyway, I decided to take a little break from that project and do something on time for once. Thankful for this week:

1) Writing the book
The reason I have been chained to my laptop for the entire week is that I am working on material for the Nearly/Newlywed Sunday School class that Luke and I teach. Basically, it feels like writing a book because essentially, that’s what it is. It’s the book we will use for 24 weeks to hopefully share everything anyone every wanted to know about being married. I’ve been working from about 15 sources so my work space (the couch) looks like a library exploded. But it is really fulfilling work. It’s challenging and time-consuming, but we haven’t even started back to class yet and already I have learned new things just by re-writing this year’s material. Having a great marriage is one if my biggest blessings.

2) My husband’s infinite patience and unrelenting pushing
Speaking of that great marriage; I sure do put this man through the ringer and back again. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m mentally ill. Like, for real. The last few years have been unlike anything we have experienced together in our 17 years of being best friends. I know it is virtually impossible for him to truly relate to the things that go on in my distorted brain. But he won’t give up…no matter how much I wear him out with the nuttiness.

A few days ago, he came with me to my therapy again just to be supportive. I’m sure there were things that he already knew because I try really hard never to lie or to omit what’s going on in my head even if it is frightening, but then there were things that he found out about for the first time. To which he replied, “Woman! You need to tell me these things. But I’m sure glad you unpack your crazy one box at a time instead of just dumping them all out and trying to sort them all at once.”

So his job is to keep pushing me as per the therapist. Push until it is uncomfortable and then push some more. Pay attention to what I’m doing and report back to her. And he does it. Like a freaking pro. I mean seriously, was this kid a guard at Alcatraz before I knew him or a PI or something? He’s like the nuthouse Gestapo. When he pushes I usually fight back. I don’t necessarily want to change because it’s hard and being crazy is so familiar. But when I fight back, he keeps going because he loves me. He knows that the fighting back isn’t personal; it’s just my part of the deal. He’s the enforcer and I stage the mutiny. And someday we will both retire those roles. And I know he’ll still be there when that time comes.

3) School of Fine Arts
I was quite nervous about SoFA at the beginning of this week. Schedules were conflicting, students were dropping, I lost teachers and had no replacements. I was getting stressed. Then suddenly right in the middle of the week, everything feel into place. The students are scheduled, the teachers are hired, the scholarships are being used, the times are working out perfectly. It’s all God’s hand just moving the pieces around. It’s going to be a great year.

4) This silly ol’ dog
He sleeps right next to me the whole time I sit here and write. He sits at my feet when I do the dishes or laundry. He gets really excited to ride with me in the car to go pick up Grace from Kindergarten. He sleeps in the bed with me every night, but always waits until I invite him up there. He lays next to my chair when I tan and keeps me company when I’m all alone. I could not have asked for a better medication for my current state of mind. He is comforting and unconditionally loving and brings me out of the OCD prison cell even if its just for a moment. I love that dog. Even though he sheds like a dead Chia Pet.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I don't even know how to title this other than this is absolutley freaking true

Sometimes things happen and you think “Did that really just happen?” And sometimes things happen and you’re like “Seriously, holy crap did that JUST happen?”

And then there was the incident today that made me scream inside my head, “What the H-E-double hockey sticks just happened?! Did that crap SERIOUSLY just take place?! In real life?! Am I hallucinating!!?”

Here’s what went down:
First set up this little story by remembering that I have fairly extensive agoraphobia and OCD. I have only started going to Wal-mart all by myself recently. This happened at the Wal-mart Market, but still its not my favorite place in the world and I am already a little edgy just being in there.

We only needed a few things and I in my infinite wisdom decided to just “run-in” after picking Grace up from Kindergarten, but before either child had eaten lunch. They were predictably cranky and whiny and generally being big ‘ol crybabies. Well, predictable to everyone but me because I was dumb enough to take them shopping at lunch time. Anyhow, Grace was whining and crying at a reasonable volume level; nothing ear splitting.

We’d been in the store about 10 minutes and Princess of the Grocery Store decided it “wasn’t fair” that she didn’t get to pick out what we were buying. It “wasn’t fair” that I chose to buy vegetables and wheat bread because M&M’s are a much more logical choice. I was thinking that it “wasn’t fair” that you can’t leave your kids in the car while you shop because of the whole “it’s too dangerous” nonsense. It also “wasn’t fair” that I didn’t have access to a tranquilizer dart. Just a little one. I wasn’t gonna be in there that long.

Finally, I informed her that she would not be choosing our menu for the week and she would be enjoying a peaceful time out when we got home. She would also have lots of free time to play outside, as she would no longer be watching TV. This caused a moan and wail similar to someone on the Maury show who just found out that he is NOT the father.

It seems that as this little scene was taking place, a silent old lady observer was plotting her strategy to impart a little wisdom on the incompetent young mother figure and bratty little child. This is when she swooped in from behind us, grabbed my 5 year old by the shoulders, gets right in her face and said (in exact words so pardon the language) “the way you’re pissing your mama off is making my ears hurt so you better hush” in her meanest Cruella DeVille impression. Only Cruella DeVille would be from the trailer park and have on a stained T-shirt and adult crocs and sound more like “the way yer pissin’ yer mama off is makin’ mye ears hirt so you best hush”. Then she just skittered on away like she had to get to a confederate flag apparel convention and the first 50 people got a free “My grandkid beat up your honor student” bumper sticker.

This is me in stunned silence. “- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -“

No lie, my mouth was hanging open and everything. So what did I do? I would love to say I chased her down and cursed up a blue streak, because I think cursing is TOTALLY appropriate when someone accosts your child. I would love to say I grabbed her by the weave and popped off all her press-on nails. I would love to say I forced her to apologize to my child for her absolutely reprehensible behavior.

But what did I do? Stood there. With my mouth open. Along with about 3 other old ladies who saw what happened and were too shocked to do anything about it either. I was on the verge of crying so I stood there until I pulled my crap together. I really was wishing that I had taken my Xanax that morning or at least had one with me.

I managed to make it out of the store quietly shaking and looking for her around every corner in case I got the nerve to shoot her a dirty look or burst into tears. I called Luke as soon as I got to the parking lot who of course was furious. Where are big angry husbands when you need them? Needless to say, this has not helped me make great strides in fighting agoraphobia. I mean no one yells at my kids at my home except me. Is this what it’s like to be in public all the time?


What would you have done? I’d really like to know for the next time someone passive aggressively funnels their frustration with me through my child.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

At least Taco Bell is one of my safe places

I thought it was about time for a little OCD/agoraphobia/Generalized Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder checkup.

I’ve been living with this my whole life. But it has had a name for about 9 months now. That is also about how long I have been using medications and CBT to try to control these disorders.

There are days when I think I am making amazing progress. I am doing things I never thought I would be able to do. I feel released from the prison of my brain. I understand exactly how chained and distorted my thought processes were and I almost feel like a real person.

Then there are days when I wish I could find myself safely in the hijacked prison of my mind. I know how to be there. I’m comfortable there. I’ve got a little TV and some books and a comfy bed in that cell. I’ve lived my whole life behind those walls. Having a name and a diagnosis forces me to “deal” with the OCD and panic. I’d rather just continue to live with it the way I have become so accustomed to.

So here are a few of the ways a feel like I have changed. Better or worse. There’s still a long way to go. Or maybe a short way to retreat.

Flooding visions:
This was and is the crux of my OCD. I was bombarded every day and every night with horrible, bloody, violent, blasphemous, scary, twisted visions, words, and sounds. Visions aren’t even a strong enough term. They were like hallucinations. I could smell and hear and see and taste and feel every disturbing second. I would spend hours “clearing” these visions in a complicated ritual and series of chanted prayers. If I didn’t clear correctly or pray correctly, then I effectively caused the visions to become reality. Having the well being of everyone around you on your shoulders can take the energy out of you pretty quickly.

Today, I take a series of 4 medications that turn off the graphic movies playing round the clock. The visions aren’t gone, by any means. I think that anything that powerful will never really go away (even though my doctors’ have a goal of complete elimination). But they have dulled down significantly. Now the images I see are less like vivid hallucinations and more like movies watched on a TV with bad reception. My need to clear has significantly reduced, although I still need to pray or clear at least once to make sure I don’t cause catastrophic damage.

Ever since the visions have gone to the back burner, my need to touch has found its way to the front. I always touched, but now my need to touch is much stronger and more constant. I have developed this compulsion of touching everything with the back of my left wrist. They tell me it’s normal to replace old compulsions with new ones. But honestly touching with my wrist is far less disturbing than trying to stop the oncoming death of people I know. Plus, ever since I went public with OCD, I can touch without fear of being weird. It helps me to cope and I don’t plan to stop.

I used to check for hours. I check oven knobs primarily, but also locks, light switches, my alarm clock, candles, the garage door and plugs. I have been able to narrow my checking to 2-4 checks of each area before I go to bed. Sometimes I can even leave the house without checking at all which is a big deal, but I think that is mainly due to the medications.

Less than a year ago, I would call Luke anywhere from 20 to 40 times a day. You see, I would have visions (hallucinations) that something terrible had happened. I would chant and pray and clear, but I was afraid I had not done it correctly. So I would call to make sure he was OK. If he didn’t answer, I would call again. And again. And again and again and again and again.

Now I am able to see the vision, recognize it’s powerlessness, and call once. I will wait 15 minutes and call again. I will wait 15 more minutes and call again. I hope to be able to some day realize that my visions do not dictate his safety.

OK, I still count. I count everything. I count out loud. I count in my head. I manipulate the numbers to make them safe numbers. This might be something that is always with me.

It’s been weeks since I repeated words. I don’t want to get too excited. It could happen again at any time. But for now; it’s been weeks since I repeated anything multiple times.

Panic Attacks:
My last full blown panic attack was Easter Sunday. Since then, I have had many threats of a panic attack. I can feel them start in my feet and my hands; my heart starts beating and the room starts spinning. I try to use my breathing, my self-talking, and my general tenacity to tell those panic attacks to go back where they came from. I don’t have time for their nonsense. Sometimes I quietly slip out of where ever I am until it passes. It’s hard work to keep them at bay, but so far, I’ve done it.

I’ve been places in the last 9 months that I never thought I would go. I have shopped at stores alone. I have filled up with gas in unfamiliar gas stations. I ran errands without help. There is still such a long way to go. Sometimes agoraphobia cripples me. It keeps me locked inside my home where I feel safe. Join this together with devastating visions from OCD and its no wonder I don’t go anywhere. But I’m trying. I don’t expect years of OCD and agoraphobia to disappear with a few pills and therapy sessions. I’m trying to be pleased with the small progress that I have made.

NO. This isn’t happening. This was the toughest of all the problems that I have. I struggle to drive myself anywhere. I can usually handle local streets, but sometimes even those short distances send me into a tail spin. My strong fear of becoming homebound is the only thing pushing me to continue trying. I need prayers. Driving is one of the most challenging things I face.

My safe person:
Well, I wish I could say that I didn’t depend on him as much as I do. He’s been my safe person for 17 years now, even before I knew that’s what he was to me. He encourages (pushes), he challenges (forces), he makes me do things that scare me (read: scare the holy crap out of me), but he never leaves my side. I still need him in every way that a mentally ill person can need a safe person.. I am trying to release him from his responsibility as my protector, but in some ways I think he will always be there. And for that I am eternally grateful.

OCD, agoraphobia, and panic are a long and winding road. Every step is different than the one before. But as long as I continue to place one foot in front of the other (counting the steps as I go), I consider it improvement.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Thankful Thursday from the comfort of my home

Forgive me for deviating from the list that usually shows up on Thankful Thursday. Also, as per my new bad habit, Thankful Thursday is showing up on Saturday. If it makes you feel any better, I really did have all of this in my head on Thursday, I just didn’t get it on paper. And if you still have your panties in a twist over it, then get over it and quit being such a bawl baby.

This week I am thankful for the peace and quiet of an empty house. Luke and our girls are camping. Without me. Thank you Jesus. I am very very grateful to my dear husband for taking both of the kids on his own out to the wilderness with his family. I am sure that they are having great bonding time with their daddy. Not all little girls have such a cool daddy that takes them fun places. They are most likely in the mud, touching bugs, staining their clothes and tearing holes in their pants. I will probably empty their pockets of sticks, rocks, and interesting leaves when they return home.

But the thing I am most thankful for…I don’t have to go this year. You see, I HATE camping. I wish there was a word stronger than that. I think the only way to emphasize it more clearly would be to add a few four letter words in front of that. I **** HATE camping. I detest, abhor, loathe, and despise camping. Get the picture? I never claimed to like it, so it’s not like this is a big secret to anyone. I mean, I’m the only one that likes to go to operas and I don’t drag everyone to those. And operas aren’t 3 days long.

The problem is that my husband’s family LOVES the wilderness and the mud and the communing with nature. I’m happy to just send nature a text message every now and then from my living room. “Hey, nature. What’s up? Thanks for making all the oxygen so we can breathe. Peace out”

I just don’t get the appeal. I mean we work really hard at our jobs so we can get a paycheck. Then we spend lots of time decorating and making our houses into homes that are comfortable and clean. We spend money on appliances and food to fill our kitchens. We pay the bills to heat and cool our own personal haven from the daily grind of life. THEN…we load up 3 car loads full of crap, spend an entire day setting it all up in the heat and mud and sleep OUTSIDE?! And then spend another day dragging it all back home, washing it all and putting it away?! Am I missing something here? I’m all about family togetherness, but let’s do it in my living room with its carefully designed seating areas and furniture flow and cold drinks from my kitchen. I even have a patio table with an umbrella if you feel the need to hug a tree or something.

I have spent many years dragging myself out to that campsite every summer and trying to force myself to have a good time. It started when I was only a potential family member and has carried on for nearly 11 years now. Finally, it occurred to me. I don’t want to be here. Nobody wants to be around me when we are camping because I suck the fun like a high powered black hole and spread nothing but a whiny is-it-time-to-go-yet attitude. Plus, have you ever had OCD in the woods? It’s not pretty. For a person who can’t handle stickiness and dirt very well, the woods are like an OCD torture chamber. So, I just declared a few months ago…I’m not going.

It was like there were angels in heaven shining down on me. It was so simple. Why didn’t I think of it before? I’m just gonna NOT go. Everyone will have more fun that way. And wouldn’t you know it? NO ONE ARGUED WITH ME. It was like “Oh hey, uh…are you sure?...I mean we’ll miss you…OK cool see you later.

So I am thankful for this incredibly peaceful weekend home alone with my dog. I am thankful for understanding family who did not try to force me to continue to do something I just have no desire to do and loving me anyway. I am thankful for my dear husband for spending time with his girls. And mostly I am thankful that I am currently clean and indoors.

Monday, August 17, 2009

We went right home and took some antibiodics, vitamins, and rabies shots just to be on the safe side

My dad and my little sister came into town this afternoon and we wanted to do something fun so we headed to McDonalds. Our McDonalds is very cool with big ol’ stuffed chairs in the play place and whatnot. Since it is one of the few places that I am completely comfortable going without any medication or stress relieving techniques, we go there often and we always run into the same people or know someone there.

I spread out my kids’ calories and saturated fat and opened up their chocolate milks. Of course, they always get milk with their Happy Meals. We wouldn’t want to be unhealthy, now would we? I pulled the socks out of my purse. Oh come on; doesn’t everyone keep two pair of socks in their purse? It’s by the crochet hooks and the band-aids and the mace. I could blind you, hook you, tape you all back up and then take a picture while I wait for the cops to get there. (I’m not gonna blind you for no reason; surely you did something illegal).

So anyway, they put on the socks and were off playing. Lily came back to the table to take a drink of chocolate milk (enriched with Vitamin D which I am pretty sure burns off fat from McFatty balls of grease so don’t judge me). As I hand her the milk and begin to say “Two hands so you don’t spill”, I drop the milk on the floor. It splashes back up like a chocolate Old Faithful and covers Lily’s feet and legs. I was spared from the sticky nightmare because I have lightening quick reflexes from my many years of dropping and spilling things. It takes talent to be this clumsy.

She immediately freaks out and screams and demands to have her socks removed. Which I did. I ran to get napkins, and as I came back, I see Lily jump from the booth directly into the milk puddle. OK, I can clean her up too. I’ve got enough napkins. But quickly it became evident that she would not require my help. She ever so delicately brought her foot up to her mouth, while wearing a dress, and licked her foot clean in front of God and all the people that we see on a regular basis.

I’ve raised such classy little ladies.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Thursday keeps turning into Saturday

I did it again. I turned Thankful Thursday into Thankful Saturday which I guess is OK as long as I am genuinely thankful and I don’t really think that today is Thursday. In which case I would think Sunday is Friday and Monday is Saturday and Tuesday is Sunday. Grace would miss school and we would show up at church and only the office staff would be there and they would mercilessly make fun of us.

So what am I thankful for this Thursday/Saturday?

1) First day of school
Kindergarten was a great success. So far. We picked out the new dress and new shoes, we packed the backpack, and went right on in and stood in line. I was totally OK. I didn’t cry or anything. Little sister was a little sad during the day while Grace was gone. But soon enough Big sister was home and they could resume fighting like starving alley cats. She has a great teacher and a great school and she even knew a girl in her class from church. She told me all about the book center and the project they made and how they sit on the carpet for the announcements and the Pledge of Allegiance. I told her not to show her panties while sitting on the floor in a dress. Kindergarten is full of life lessons. I am praying for a continued great year.

2) My house
Today I will do something monumental insane. You would think that all my new pills would help me NOT do crazy things, but I am doing it anyway. I am…rearranging my children’s’ bedrooms. ACK! We are making one sleeping room that will eventually have bunk beds (we’re not buying the bunk beds until we are sure there is no midnight cat fighting) and the other room will be a playroom. Or “room where all of their crap goes” because I have never seen two children so effectively destroy a clean room like these kids can. We’re talking 19 Capri Suns under the bed, coloring on the carpet, broken bits of toys, and a huge tower of some sort erected as a shrine to all things ravaged by hurricane Cavett.

But as I start this project I realize how much I love this house. I am, you might say…thankful for this house. We have enough space to have a sleeping room and a playroom and still have room for a music studio. It is the perfect size in the perfect neighborhood with great neighbors and I love it. And I love Luke for making it possible. And I thank God for providing it.

3) Cheap school clothes
We did our back to school shopping on tax free weekend which was very cool. We got some new dresses and glittery shoes because heaven forbid this child wear anything other than dresses and glitter. Then I decided to check out this place that that sells used kids clothes. I’ve heard of the place a few times but never went because I thought that it would probably just be hours of picking through junk to find maybe one thing that isn’t all beat up or stained. I mean, I’ve seen how my kids abuse clothes. But I went anyway and FYI: in your face agoraphobia.

It was awesome! They have this place packed with current, good condition stuff. They won’t even take clothes that are old or in bad condition. It was so cheap too! Plus, with tax free weekend, I saved like another 10 bucks. The best part: they have a kid prison for you to keep your kids in while you shop. Genius. It’s this 4 foot wall that is enclosed on all 4 sides with no door. You actually have to lift them in there. But they are begging to get in there because there are toys and a TV with Sponge Bob playing. They were like “Can we please go to kid prison? Please?!!” and I’m like “Heck yeah you can! We should build one of these at home!” So I got all my cheap shopping done in peace. It was great.

4) A few more days of sun
You know how I’ve become all tanorexic? I have taken the time this week to enjoy the last days of summer. I devoted my time to laying on my chair, reading my book, and drinking my water. It’s a rough life. Somebody’s gotta do it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Please stop shouting unless you want to see my head actually implode

Headache. So bad. Must turn off lights.


thankful today for sleeping.

Be. thankful. more. tomorrow.

Unless brains liquify.

Crap. Now worried about soupy brains.

Tylenol PM........................

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Did they ever play any teams other than Valley?

I just spent my morning watching Saved By the Bell. That is a great way to start the day. Zack and Kelly went to the Senior prom that was a western theme and Slater and Jessie were stuck in the boiler room and Screech was calling the square dance. Good times.

I love the one where they do the rapping version of Snow White. Zack and Jessie finally kiss and decide that they have no feeling for each other…so they kiss again?! I would like to explain that to Luke sometime.
Me: Hey, I met this guy in line at the grocery store. I was not into him at all.
Luke: How do you know?
Me: Because I kissed him. Duh.
Luke: Whew. Glad you cleared that up. Hey, also I thought that I might be attracted to this girl at work.
Me: Oh no! Have you kissed her yet?
Luke: Not yet. I plan to corner her tomorrow in the break room. I also have some roofies if I need them.
Me: OK good. Make sure you use tongue. You can’t really tell unless you use tongue.

I am a little bit disgusted by how incestuous these kids are. Zack and Kelly, Kelly and Slater, Slater and Jessie, Jessie and Zack, Lisa and Zack. I think some STD tests may be in order. Or a visit to Maury for some “Who is my baby’s daddy?”

And can I just tell you how much I love “very special” episodes of SBTB? I think the only reason I never did any drugs is because Zack and the gang convinced me that I should say nope to dope. I mean, when the movie star found that roach in the bathroom, I was shocked. And THEN we he had the party and they were smoking…BETRAYED!! How could he do that to me?! And then when Zack and Lisa wrecked the car because they were drunk…OK Saved By the Bell, you got me. Lesson learned.

I did get my very own Zack Morris phone when I got my first car. His phone was actually way better than mine. Mine had a bag and about 42 cords hanging out of it. I also made a habit out of wearing my keds with no socks, because if Kelly did it, it MUST be cool, right?

I don’t even need to share with you my thoughts on the iconic caffeine-pill-I’m-so-excited-I’m-so-scared-and-now-I-have-to-spend-3-weeks-in-rehab-because-caffiene-pills-are-so-toxic-and-so-dangerous-and-don’t-ever-do-drugs-kids-because-you-might-fail-your-math-test episode. I don’t even have words for that timeless moment in history.

So why am I sitting around with my coffee reminiscing about my favorite Bayside moments? Because today is our last day before school starts. That means I plan to take advantage of laying in the sun, reading Sookie Stackhouse, and maybe watching a movie.

But first there are a few more episodes of Saved By the Bell to watch.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thankful for Thursday because I thought today was Tuesday until about 4:00

1) Electricity
Our power went out after an entire night of thunder and lightning. It doesn’t really bother me; I actually kind of like it. However by the time the power shut off at about 7am, I had 2 kids and a dog in bed with me. It wasn’t all bad honestly. It was a little fun. But I was super happy when the lights came back on in time for us to eat cereal and watch Coraline in 3D.

2) Steam Cleaners
After all the raining and the thundering and whatnot, out backyard had turned into the swamp from The Neverending Story where Atreyu is in the swamp of sadness and his horse starts sinking and he’s all “Artax! You’re letting the sadness of the swamp get to you!” and then the horse almost sinks in the mud until the luck dragon Falkor shows up and flies them to some gargoyles and elves or something like that. I love that movie. Incidentally, I never actually saw the whole movie until about 7th grade. My mom thought it was too scary so she recorded over the scary parts with scenes from the Muppet Show. I totally didn’t question why Fonzi and Miss Piggy would be hanging out with the Childlike Empress. I just thought “Well, it’s Fantasia. They do weird stuff there.” So imagine my surprise while watching this movie at a friend’s house and Atreyu freaking stabs a talking wolf in the face! I almost couldn’t forgive Miss Piggy for letting that happen.

Anyhow, our yard looked like a swamp. My dear little children decided to do me a favor and let the dog out. Without my knowledge. And several romps through the mud later, they decided to let him in. Without my knowledge. Keep in mind that this dog is part lab and something part squatty little legs and belly 4 inches from the ground. So not only does he track in enough mud for a mud bath on his feet, he also drags in a few extra pounds of mud on his belly. Also, I had my clean laundry spread all over the floor in a feeble attempt to get it to closets or drawers or at least toss it in the hallway in front of bedrooms. So all the clothes got the mud treatment as well. And if that wasn’t enough, at the moment I discovered the relocation of the swamp into my living room, my dear little ones brought me gifts…earthworms. So now we have the entire eco-system reunited.

The steam cleaner is going to be getting a hefty workout. Once I get all the clothes off the floor.

3) Little Caesers
Due to all the power outages and carpet devastation, I was in no mood to cook lunch today. Thank you Lord for cheap, fast pizza. I couldn’t wait to eat. I just had to wash earthworm poop off all of our hands first.

4) Answered Prayers!!!!
Yay! Congratulations you two. We love you guys!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Somebody needs to put corks on all the sharp things around me like that guy in that movie

Camp is over! I survived with only a few blisters and sore muscles. So it should be time to write lots of new stuff about all of the great things that have been happening. But I am tired. Luke called me one afternoon. I had to forcefully shake the dog to get him to stop snoring and wake up so that I could roll off the couch and crawl over to my phone. The noise alerted my children, one of whom was wearing only panties and cowboy boots and the other in a fancy dress, that it was time to come and give the dog “hugs.” By “hugs” I mean squeezing him as though they are trying to torture information out of him and he wants to give the the info, he really does, but he just doesn’t know what they want.

I managed to get to the phone in time to answer. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey
Luke: Hey were you asleep or something?
Me: No. Not in the middle of the day. Maybe.
Luke: OK, well I’m coming home for lunch.
Me: (very apprehensive) Do I have to make it?
Luke: (all exasperated) No, you don’t have to make it.
Me: (Much more excited about him coming home for lunch) OK cool. I mean I would make it if you really wanted me too. Are you sure you don’t want me to? (Please say yes. Please say yes, please say yes)
Luke: Yes, I’m sure.
Me: Oh and one other thing…um…it’s possible that I might still be in my PJ’s.
Luke: How possible?
Me: I’d say the odds are…strong to quite strong.

We repeated this same conversation later in the day when it was dinner time.

So really, I haven’t been all the exciting. I did do one other interesting thing last week. I was at a baby shower and sitting next to a lovely young lady from our church. We were all enjoying the sandwiches, cookies, and especially the cheese squares on toothpicks. I had maybe about 4. Or 84. Somewhere in that ballpark.

As we were eating, the young girl says, “I’m always dropping stuff on my chin. My parents say I must have a dead spot there.” Of course, I actually don’t have any feeling in my chin because of all my facial reconstruction. Without thinking about it, I grabbed one of my many discarded and very sharp toothpicks and said, “Oh yeah? Join the club.” At which point I proceeded to stab myself in the face repeatedly with the toothpick to prove just how numb my face really is.

This was apparently much funnier than I intended it to be, so seeing as how I love getting a laugh, I just kept on jabbing away. With the sharp, unsanitary toothpick. That I can’t feel. At all.

I should have thought this through a little more. Turns out that just because your face is numb, it doesn’t mean your skin is impenetrable. When I got home, I discovered that I had actually poked a hole in my face. By the next morning, it swelled up and scabbed over. I honestly looked like I had leprosy or chicken pox or herpes, or so I imagine those diseases to look like. FYI: I have never had herpes. Or leprosy for that matter. But I want to be especially clear about the never having herpes part.

The only good news: I never felt a thing. I’m sure that a big ‘ol nasty stab wound doesn’t feel great. Maybe next time I’ll think before I aggressively poke any of the numb parts of my body with a sharp stick. Because I am sure there will be a next time.